Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Early Exit

Well we tried. My mom and I did our best to make the best of a trip we never would have taken had The New York City Marathon been cancelled immediately after Hurricane Sandy, as it should have been, but I couldn't take it any longer, so we left. We were supposed to enjoy New York City for another 5 days, but I woke up Tuesday in tears; overwhelmed, anxious, and stuck, and as a result we flew home yesterday. I've never been so happy to be home, alone with Puck, in my quiet house.

From the beginning this was a tough and almost immediately disappointing trip. The marathon was cancelled a mere 4 hours after our arrival. Again, had the New York Road Runners and Mayor Bloomberg not insisted just one day before that the race would go on, I never would have made the trek. Worse, the media coverage was incredibly negative. I totally understood the backlash, but it really felt like we, the runners, became the bad guys in this whole mess. It was very uncomfortable.

I had no desire to be an extra burden in a city already burdened and chaotic. We did our best to stay positive through the closures, the overcrowded subways, and the mess. But I grew more and more anxious with each passing day. Emotionally, I grew more and more fragile. I felt stuck in a place in which I had no desire to be. The final straw came Monday evening when we waited in line for more than 1.5 hours just to catch a bus home. I guess it was then that I broke.

Tuesday morning we decided to go. Like I said, I woke up in tears. We changed our flights from Saturday to Wednesday. Ironically, our last day in the city was one of the best. I took a fast, tough run through Central Park, which helped calm me down a bit. We rushed to The 9-11 Memorial after we heard it had reopened, and that was amazing. We had a nice dinner in Times Square and then ended our evening with Phantom of the Opera at The Majestic Theatre. But still, I couldn't wait to go.

Thankfully, my travel home went off without a hitch. Despite another impending storm, my flight took off and landed on time. My friend, Cindy, graciously picked me up from the airport and brought me home. I hugged Puck harder than I've ever hugged him and again broke into tears. And then I slept, and slept, and slept.

This morning, I'm still feeling very fragile. I've been in contact with my social worker and my psychiatrist. I'm worried. All I want to do is curl up and sleep. I need to get back to my life, but I just want to sleep. I'm not interested in doing laundry, going to the grocery store, taking Puck for a walk, or even going for a run. My head hurts. I'm tired. And I want to sleep. This is not a good sign.

I'm going to try to fight. I know curling up and staying in bed will not help, as enticing as that may seem. And I know, please know I know, that my problems are minor in comparison to those still suffering out east. But, as some of my readers pointed out, this is my blog, and it is about me and what I'm dealing with right now. My life is good. I will recover. But right now, depression is trying to take over. I'm in trouble. I'm anxious. I'm overwhelmed. I'm scared. I feel fragile, and fragile sucks.

I'm happy to be home. Yet I don't want to move. But move I must, or I will lose.


J said...

I feel ya! There's nothing worse than feeling the depression creeping back up on you. It makes me feel so panicky sometimes...I just don't want to slip under!

midnight rainbow said...

Do you think maybe you might in some shock after going to NY and everything you've been through going there? You might want to give your mind and body some time to re-cooperate from the trauma you saw and were a part of.

At least that's how I would feel if it were me that went to NY.

Just some food for thought. :)

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I can understand the fear that can come from feeling the depression creeping back. The good thing is that you recognize it and can take steps to try to stem it. I hope you feel better soon. You've been through a tough few days, and that takes a toll.

Joonie said...

Thanks for sharing this. I, too, woke up feeling immobilized. But instead of fighting it, I'm going to ride the wave and know that this too shall pass.

Love your blog.

sharon said...

I have been worried about you since I read you were heading to NYC - where I live, and love and run. We are in crisis here - you walked into a disaster zone, and it would freak anyone out. Those of us who live with depression are particularly vulnerable when the city streets drop from beneath us, whether we are residents or brief visitors. Reach out to your health team, put them on high alert. Blog without guilt - the Mayor and Mary Wittenberg screwed up, royally, and you were hurt - that is ok to express. My thoughts are with you. -S

Praxis PD Dr. Fegg & Kollegen said...

Thanks for sharing your experiences with us! All the best for your ... I am psychotherapist working daily with patients suffering from depression ... therefore, I can say, you a very tough. All the best for you! Martin (