Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, March 16, 2013

Disturbing thoughts

While my mood remains strong and fairly positive, I've been dealing with a few screwy thoughts lately. My thinking has been a bit off. This happens to me every once in awhile, and I don't like it. I don't like it at all. I'm actually surprised I'm about to admit it here, as I generally don't like to talk about it. These thoughts I sometimes have make me feel, well, "crazy."

It started a couple of weeks ago with very graphic, violent thoughts of terrible things happening to my puppy, Jet. The thoughts were so real, it often took me awhile to recognize they were just thoughts. They were very disturbing, and I had to work to get the thoughts out of my brain.

The thoughts about Jet triggered a resurgence of grief about Puck, my 13 year old black lab who died on December, 14th, 2012. I began reliving the last moments of his life over and over again. On my runs, at work, and when I closed my eyes at night, the pictures of his final moments were there again and again. Worse, I experienced fresh grief, which was difficult to deal with, every time those thoughts occupied my brain.

I struggled with the graphic thinking about Jet and the grief-filled thoughts about Puck for a little over a week. They slowly faded from my consciousness. Although truthfully, I haven't entirely let them go yet, as here I am still thinking about them, or maybe more accurately, my experience of them. They still disturb me.

These thoughts disturb me because I don't understand where they come from. I think if there was a reason for them they would be easier for me to deal with. But when thoughts bombard me from out of the blue, I get that "crazy" feeling. The violence and graphic nature of the thoughts also alarm me. What is that all about? Why? Where does that come from? Perhaps if I knew the answers to these questions, I'd be able to address and rid myself of the thoughts more quickly. Who knows.

I'm going to quit writing about the disturbing thoughts now, as revealing them makes me feel a bit vulnerable. Thankfully, as I mentioned, they've faded. Hopefully writing about them will give the thoughts the final boot from my brain. That would be nice. It would be even nicer if they never came back.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm sorry you're having disturbing thoughts. That happens to me, too, quite often. My therapist has taught me--and I've practiced a lot--to observe the throughts, even acknowledge them, but not to try to get rid of them. See them just as one of many thoughts flowing through our minds. Just because we have a thought doesn't mean we wanted to have it or that it's true. It's just a thought. I keep practicing this form of mindfulness, and it does help me. I hope you get some relief soon!

Anonymous said...

This sort of thing happens to me all the time, so unless I'm crazy, too, I don't think there's anything wrong with what you're feeling. The most important thing you can do is keep telling yourself it isn't real, that bad things are not happening to your puppy--maybe adopt a mantra that helps you change the subject, so to speak, whenever those thoughts come up. You went through a tough loss of a beloved pet, as well, and there's nothing wrong with grieving or being upset. With time, I bet this will all go away. Stay positive, and stay in the moment.

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

I can relate. Wish I couldn't. Wish you couldn't.

You are definatly not alone!!

(((HUGS)))) from the Frozen Tundra...

Michael Richardson said...

Thanks for sharing your experience. My guess is that the purpose of these thoughts might be to prepare you for or protect you from future loss?

Eva said...

Hi Etta,

I have been following your blog for a little while now and it is so good to read about another person going through similar things as I am. Thank you for writing!

You should of course discuss this with your treatment team but I think it's not so crazy. I think all the comments above make sense. You have just suffered a loss and that makes you think about how fragile a life is. You now have Jet and love him. Maybe your mind is telling you you are afraid off a new loss? And from experience I can tell you grieving is not something that follows any rules. A thought, a sound, a smell or something you see can put you right back at the moment of loss or the early feelings of grieve.

I think a mindful approach can help. If you fight the thoughts it consumes energy and thinking you are crazy certainly doesn't help. And worrying also doesn't.

Writing about the thoughts can also help I think and you just did that :). And of course it would be nicer if they never come back but maybe they will and maybe they won't. A human brain is a wonder-es thing.

I wish you lots of strength to deal with these new feelings and hope you can give them a place somehow.


midnight rainbow said...

As abnormal as it sounds, it is normal. I have thoughts like that too. And it is easy to get lost in them. Puck's death is still fairly new, you may grieve him for a long time. My first dog died 6 years ago, and every now and then I'm still hit with a bit of grief of missing him.

Anonymous said...

I would say that I understand what your going through,but truthfully I don't. I'm thinking thought similar to this all the time and I havnt quite figured out why either. There isn't really one particular reason why we hsve these thoughts. Like evea said it could be anything (a touch,a smell, something you see) that could trigger this in your mind. I beieve someone said something about writing about these thoughts? I agree. For a while now I have been writing in a journal that is my "thought journal" snd it seems to help a lot since I don't always feel comfortable about these things.