Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Too much Chocolate

I'm unhappy with my weight. Despite 3 solid weeks of training, I'm gaining weight. I'm a good 6 pounds above where I feel my best. Six pounds may not seem like a lot, but it is quite a bit on a runner. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the primary reason I'm heavy is I'm eating way too much chocolate. I love chocolate.

Loving chocolate is not actually the problem. The problem is once I start eating chocolate, I keep eating chocolate. It's eerily familiar to my response to alcohol. One piece of chocolate leads to another and another and another. Like last night, despite my good intentions to have just one piece, I continued eating piece after piece after piece. I don't like it. As I said, it reminds me of my response to alcohol. It makes me feel out of control, and that makes me uncomfortable.

For this reason, I know better than to buy chocolate. I know I can't have it in my house. If it's here, I eat it until it is gone, and then I feel bad about it. Despite this knowledge, I've been buying chocolate, and eating it, a lot lately. Why? I don't know. It's probably some sort of self-destructive tendency I should discuss with my therapist I suppose. But until I do that, I'm discussing it with you.

I'm admitting it to you, because I've made a decision. I'm temporarily going off chocolate. I think I'll feel better physically and mentally without it, without the temptation of it. It's going to be difficult. I am the queen of rationalization. In fact running is one of my primary rationalizations! I'm also frequently around chocolate, especially at work. I'm actually expecting fresh brownies in the office tomorrow morning. I love brownies.

I don't know how long this will last. I'm shooting for at least one month. Tomorrow will be day one. I feel like I need to do something drastic to get myself back on a healthier track, and trust me, not eating chocolate is drastic! I'll let you know how it goes and whether the effort turns out to be worth it or not. Hopefully it will be worth something more than just torture.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I am like that with sweets, especially things like doughnuts or cake. I eat some, and then I want to eat it all. It's a terrible feeling: I feel out of control, and I feel yucky from all the sugar.

Good luck in the chocolate fast. Perhaps replacing the chocolate with something healthy would help?

etta said...

Yes, Tina, I plan on spending all that chocolate money on fruit instead!

Anonymous said...

I'm also aaddicted to chocolate, you are not alone! What helps me is to buy dark chocolate, it is so rich, it makes me feel full/stuffed right away. MAybe that's a way to still eat chocolate but in moderation.