Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, September 10, 2013


I don't have too much to say tonight, although there is quite a bit going on, mostly in my head. I struggled over the weekend with continued memories and flashbacks from my teen years. Of course each memory seemed to be laden with heavy emotion, and what to do with the many emotions became an unending challenge. Tonight I am mentally and physically worn out.

Over the past three days, most of my recurring thoughts and emotions centered around Pam, my step-sister who was killed 30 years ago. My entire 6-miler after work on Sunday was filled with memories of her. I even felt her presence, running with me step-for-step, as I circled the golf course on my way home. That was pretty cool. But it was also sad. I can't stop wondering what she'd be doing and what our relationship would be if she were alive today. I'm glad for the memories, but I'm tired.

Further challenges to my mental state came from a couple of recent heavy conversations, one with D about our tense moments last weekend, and one with a friend who owed me an apology. Both conversations went well, although neither was perfect, and more could have been said, but the emotional expenditure left me spent.

Running, usually a savior, didn't help. It only further depleted my energy stores. I barely finished 11 of my scheduled 12 miles on Saturday. I finally just gave in and walked home. My body just wouldn't go. Sunday's shorter jaunt was barely any better. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm quite certain my recent mental gymnastics have not been beneficial physically either.

And that's where I'm at right now. I'm physically and mentally depleted. I'm sad. I'm sore. I'm tired. I'm done. I don't have any more to say, because it would be too much. It would take more energy than I have left to give. I just want my brain settled and my body recovered. And I don't want to talk about it any more. Good night, friends.


Pat Davis said...

Sounds cliché, but sometimes you just need time for yourself. Nothing wrong with getting some rest and putting people off for a couple of days.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I hope you've been able to get some rest and quiet time. It sounds like you've had a lot of emotionally draining things going on.

Claude said...

Yeah, it sometimes happens to me too. Some days, I can rely on my mood to help my running, or I can rely on my running to help my mood. Unfortunately, sometimes neither my mood nor my running want to help because my thoughts reduce my body to inactivity, feeling numb. I guess it's putting slowly one foot on front of the other, physically and mentally. Good wishes to you, etta!