Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Out of Sync

I'm still settling back into my home after the long weekend away with D. It was a good weekend, but it was also an interesting weekend. Acutally, I'm still digesting and sorting through what we did and how I felt. Lessons, I believe, are in the details if I choose to be open to them.

In direct contrast to the last weekend we spent together, when D and I seemed to be perfectly in sync, enjoyed each other immensely, and shared every moment; this past weekend we seemed to be perfectly out of sync. We spent fewer moments enjoying each other and a bunch of moments on each other's nerves. We shared space but not necessarily time. We moved about in parallel planes rather than intersecting ones. It was much different than my last experience with D.

Different doesn't make it good or bad. It was what it was. I know relationships require work and are not all fun all the time, so I'm not freaking out about this. I'm just noting it, replaying a few moments, and trying to learn what I can.

My primary lesson, I think, is to speak up when I need to speak up. I cannot let fear be my guide. There were a few instances this past weekend, after moments of tension, when I had the opportunity to express my feelings but didn't. That likely only made things worse. I pride myself on communicating well, but I didn't take the opportunities presented to me this weekend.

In general neither of us communicated well. We were equally prickly. I can't control D's actions, but I need to be vigilant in the future and speak up. Keeping my feelings inside will do nothing to expand our relationship. It will only breed resentment. Resentment has no place in any of my relationships, especially this one. I will work harder to communicate better in the future.

This relationship is important to me. I am a little shaken by the mood of this past weekend, but I think we are okay. My feelings for D certainly haven't changed. We'll talk soon. I'll say what I need to say, and hopefully we'll continue moving forward.

It wasn't fun being out of sync with each other, but I'm taking from the experience what I can. Sometimes I wish lessons weren't so necessary or so challenging, but I guess God thought I could handle this one. I'll do my best to live up to the expectation.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Sometimes I have a hard time speaking up when I need to, also, usually because of fear. Then I have the regret of NOT speaking up. But I think relationships can go through these times of being out of sync and end up stronger for it.

Pat Davis said...

I know what you mean about not speaking up. Most of the time I bottle things up to avoid a confrontation. Sometimes it works because it gives me time to sort out my feelings, but other times it just breeds resentment which is never good.