Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, October 11, 2013

Home Again

After my sixth ECT treatment in the last 14 days, I got out of the hospital today. My parents are here with me, which is nice. They'll be staying nearby for the next couple of weeks before heading south for the winter. I wish I could say that everything is great, that my mood has returned to normal, but I can't. Nevertheless, I would have gotten stir-crazy had I stayed an inpatient much longer. It was time to come home.

Being home is overwhelming. The side effects of ECT, namely loss of my memory, make getting resettled very difficult. It's like I've been dropped into my home, today, with no background as to how I got here. I don't remember what sent me to the hospital again. I don't recall what my employer knows or doesn't know. I have to re-read my own blog in order to understand how I made it to today. It's extremely unsettling to have no context for my own life.

ECT stupidity is the primary reason I've made the decision to discontinue ECT. Six treatments is a fair course, anyway, but it's the possible long term impact on my brain which really concerns me. If ECT makes me this stupid in the present, what damage will it do years from now? Nobody knows the answer to that question. I'd feel a lot better if I had an answer to that question.

In other news, I need to get back on the road. I've got The New York City Marathon coming up in 3 weeks. I could not motivate to get on that damn hospital treadmill this week, so I haven't run since last Sunday's 15-miler. I'll try to get out there for at least 13 miles tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

And now I'm going to settle into my favorite chair and watch whatever the hell I want on television. It's nice to be home.


Zrinka said...

Take care Etta. I know you will get back to your old self again. We always do :).

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Take care of yourself Etta. I'm glad you are home, and I hope that improvement follows.