Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Things Looking Bleak

Life has not improved around here. My mood, unfortunately, has not changed. I'm feeling about as bleak as I can recall feeling in the recent and not-so-recent past. The medication changes have not made an impact. The 6 ECT treatments I've already received did not change the course I am apparently on at this time, and I'm not willing to continue subjecting my brain to the amnesia-inducing seizures. Although the pressure from my psychiatrist, whom I trust implicitly and respect immensely, to continue ECT is significant. I'm meeting with her tomorrow, so who knows? I may be convinced to change my mind.

I am miserable enough, at this point, that I will listen to other treatment ideas. I'm trying to resume my normal routine, but low energy, difficulty concentrating, and general lethargy make returning to any kind of routine difficult. I did get a 7-mile run in yesterday, but that knocked me flat for the rest of the day. Still, it was nice to run. I ran hard, made it hurt, and that helped temporarily. Physical pain is so much easier for me to deal with than mental pain.

I'm going to try to run a little again today. I actually have The New York City Marathon coming up in three weeks. I don't think I'll be at my best for that event, but I'm already entered, and I have my room and flight reserved, so I'm going to go and experience it anyway. I hope my mood is better by then. I don't think I can take three more weeks of this. I appreciate your comments and support. Your continued prayers for relief are certainly appreciated.


Anonymous said...

So very sorry that you haven't found some relief from treatment yet. I hope your Dr. visit tomorrow is helpful in some way. I have followed your blog for a couple years and know how hard you fight. Continued thoughts and prayers for improvement.

Pat Davis said...

Wish I could say something to help you feel better, but sometimes just knowing people are out there is enough for me.
Keep running. Do know that reading your blogs have inspired me to start running again and it has helped me immensely, so you are making a difference.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I am thinking of you and sending prayers for you, Etta. I'm sorry that the treatments so far don't seem to have helped. I hope the doctor's visit goes well and that things turn around soon. I know how dark things can be, but the light can start coming in when we least expect it.

Anonymous said...

Likewise- I started reading your blog shortly after starting antidepressants. An avid runner, even that had become too much. Your blog keeps me inspired as I am getting back to enjoying my hobbies- and of course, running!

Anonymous said...

You've been doing well for so long, this is just a short set back. Don't despair. You'll be back to yourself again soon. You have a LOT of people rooting for you. And you're so strong.

Sending positive energy,


Diana said...

You may not realize the impact you have on others, over the years your blog has helped me in so many different ways,from just accepting there will be highs and lows to helping me realize others think similar thoughts in their heads. You are an inspiration and this will pass. Sending positive thoughts your way, you will get through this !

Forever Alone said...

I know it may seem weird but I used "role playing" to fix my social anxiety/depression. I basically created a new persona in my head and acted out as if I was the character I created. After a while, my subconscious mind accepted it as true and I was a new person. It may not work for all but I thought I would share. I posted a brief explanation of it on my blog but plan on writing more on it soon.