Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Trying to settle in

I've slept in my own bed for two nights now. My mom is staying with me for a few days. I'm trying to get back into some sort of a routine. I ran 13 miles yesterday and paid my overdue bills today. I took Jet out for a walk with a friend. I went grocery shopping with my mom, and she spent the rest of the day making some food to fill my freezer for the winter months.

My mom turned the spoiled bananas into some fabulous banana bread, with chocolate chips, just the way I like it. On the stove top at the moment is some wonderful split pea and ham soup, which we all ate for dinner and I will now pack in multiple freezer containers for the months down the road. Tomorrow, we've got spaghetti sauce on the menu. I look forward to eating that throughout the winter months, too.

My mom cooked like this for me last fall, as well. Being the non-cook that I am, it's really nice to pull something homemade out of the freezer in the middle of January. She might be spoiling me just a bit, but I'm okay with that!

As far as my mood goes, I'm not sure it's much improved. I'm glad to be out of the hospital. I'm glad to be in my own home. But I'm still feeling low. I'm still feeling hopeless. I have not totally turned the corner. I know that. I am not out of the woods yet.

Despite understanding that fact, I have made some decisions regarding my treatment. I've decided I am not going to do anymore ECT treatments, because the loss of memory side effect is just too severe and too scary for me to deal with any longer. I feel confused as to how I ended up in the hospital. I don't recall the events leading up to either of my recent hospitalizations, and that is as a direct result of ECT.

ECT erases history. I feel like I've been dropped into today. Being dropped into a day, with no understanding of how I got there, is very disconcerting. It's unsettling. It's confusing. There's no past on which to base my current state of being. I don't like it. I feel really, really stupid. I'm not stupid, but if you were around me for more than an hour, you might think I was. It's that bad. ECT makes me stupid.

For that reason, I'm hoping to get the rest of the way through this episode without ECT. Hopefully medication adjustments and time will be what I need to heal. Until then, I'm trying my best to settle into home, return to a routine, get back to running, and eventually return to work. That's the plan.

I'm tired now. Depression wears me down, but I'd rather be worn down and on my way to my own bed than on my way to a hospital bed any day of the week. And that's where I'm off to right now, my own bed. Good night.


Anonymous said...

Hi Etta.....yours is the first blog that I have read about depression. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and personal experiences. I am coming to terms with realising I need help and support and I have a long term illness.
In an earlier blog you mention you are not a super are !! To get up, out and one foot in front of the other takes great courage. To share your weakest times is one of the strongest actions.
Reading your blog has reminded me tomorrow I get up go for a jog and start that decorating knowing that I will feel better.
Thank you...take care

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I've been thinking about you Etta and sending you good thoughts. I hope that the different things you're doing to fight this will all come together and bring you back to a better place soon. Remember that you have come back before; you will again.

Kelly said...

Sometimes we have to make these decisions about our treatment and go with our gut and how the treatment makes us feel. It sounds like you are making the best decision for yourself. That is admirable. I will keep you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...


I hope you are feeling better today! This horrible disease is like a giant sleeping dragon and unfortunately once in a while it awakes hungry! But you will come back from this stronger! I am better today, was worse yesterday... It is just the way it is... I am glad you are making conscious decisions about your treatment too.
Be brave!

Marly said...

Hi Etta...been a while since I have checked in on the blog-o-sphere and I'm so sorry to see you in the pits again. Your ability to put the struggle with depression into words never ceases to amaze me. Please know that even when you are feeling so low, you are still helping people by sharing your story. You may not be a superhero but you are a warrior and for that I am thankful!!! :) On a personal note, I am also going through a dark time and haven't been to work in quite some time. My mom was here on the weekend and filled my freezer with, among other things, split pea and ham soup. ;) Take care and just keep swimming!! Or running, in your case. :)