Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Some days are hard

Isn't that title a glorious understatement? Some days are hard. With depression, especially my current episode, which I believe is now entering its eighth week, a lot of days are hard. I've been out of the hospital for almost seven days now, and I'd say five of the seven days have been extremely difficult. Today is no exception. Depression sucks. And I am so tired of it!

It's been almost one week since I stepped to the other side of those inpatient doors with an energetic step, a smile on my face, and hope in my heart. Instead, I've been battling the battle of illness all over again. I am so tired of depression. My brain is so broken. I thought it was fixed, but that temporary repair appears to have failed quite quickly. I've been following the plan. Now what do I do?

I've been attending all of my appointments. I'm participating in a daily, afternoon, outpatient transitional program. I'm taking my medications as prescribed. I'm talking with my treatment team members on an almost daily basis. I'm exercising when my tired body allows it. Today, for example, I was able to run 5 miles. Amazing. Yet my brain seems not to notice, or care, or positively adjust. Broken, it remains.

My broken brain... It seems to be back in control. I am pervasively sad. I feel discouraged, dejected and hopeless. Random, negative, violent thoughts bound about inside my skull. Changing clothes is a chore. Grooming hardly seems worth it. Performing household chores is virtually impossible. Eating? Thank God for yogurt and cold cereal. I am once again debilitated by depression. I'm so tired. I fear this illness will never let me go.

Today was a decent day, yet the sadness, lethargy, and scary thoughts never left. This mental and physical fatigue wears me down. I am not celebrating Thanksgiving with others today. I do have plenty for which to be grateful, but I do not have the energy to smile, chit chat, and mingle. I fear the energy required to do so would set me back for days. Instead, I ran today. That was a huge success. And that will have to be enough. After all, I'd like to be able to get out of bed tomorrow.

Happy Thanksgiving, friends. With depression, some days are hard. My prayer for you is that today is not one of them. I hope you all have happy, energetic, easy days!


Irene said...

my days aren't easy but i send you my love and kudos for the run i will use it as my inspiration . thanks for all you do

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Good for you for going on a run! I see such strength in you, even if you don't feel strong right now. One step at a time. One act at a time. I am thinking of you and wishing you the best, Etta.

Anonymous said...

I hope tomorrow is better. Good for you for doing so many things for your recovery and health when you don't feel like it! It may not seem like a lot but it IS so much when depression leaves you with no energy. Continued prayers for you.

The Barefoot Storyteller said...

Etta - I give thanks for your blog. I read it in the good times and the bad times and it helps me tremendously. You articulate how depression makes you think and feel so eloquently - I empathise completely.

I hope you are able to keep running through this time. I know what relief a run brings - however temporary.

Much love and prayers from a fellow runner and depression battler.

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta, this is so true. I have daily visits from the psych home treatment team at present to hopefully avoid a hospital admission. Yesterday was no so bad. I managed a walk with the nurse and my dogs, a shower and a few household jobs. Today I feel absolutely terrible again. It's like a torment - letting you have a brief glimpse of what things could be like and then snatching it away from you just like that. Hugs Gill x

etta said...

@Barefoot Storyteller: What a kind, eloquent comment. I am humbled. Thank you.

@Gill: Daily visits from a psych home treatment team? That is very cool! I'm sure I could have avoided half of my hospitalizations if we had something like that here.

@Tina, Nancy, Irene: Thank you for your loyal readership and comments. I always look forward to hearing from you.

Claude said...

Hope you are enjoying college football today, etta!

Best thoughts and prayers to you, my friend.