Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, November 21, 2013

Still improving, but...

I'm happy to report I am still improving and feeling better. In fact, we are currently in the process of deciding if I should go home from the hospital tomorrow. I really want to go, and I think I can handle it. My mom is in town until Sunday, so it would be nice to go home and spend a couple of days with her. Not to mention the fact that it would be nice to go home to a house that is not empty. I feel like I am ready.

I feel ready, but of course I am nervous and a little unsure. I mean this is my fourth hospital admission in the past 6 or 7 weeks. I don't want to come back in again, and I certainly don't want my mood to decline at all!

I'm actually a little more anxious about leaving this evening than I was just a few hours ago when it was almost a certainty I was going. I just learned two of my regular outpatient treatment team members, including my psychiatrist, are concerned about me leaving. They are especially concerned that I will be going on a Friday because there are few, if any, supportive services over the weekend. So they are concerned.

I don't exactly know why that increases my level of anxiety, but it does. I'm now near tears wondering what I should do. I want to go home so badly, but I don't want something to happen and end up disappointing anyone. I value and respect the opinions of my treatment team members. I'd hate to disappoint them. Yet I want to go home, and I think I'll be okay, but there is always a possibility I won't. I do have my weekend days generally planned in order to decrease the risk of getting overwhelmed, scared, or anxious. But this is an illness, after all. I only have so much control.

I'm happy to report I am still improving and feeling better. I'm discouraged to report I may not return home tomorrow, despite really, really wanting to go. At this moment, I'm not sure what I will do. Stay tuned.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm so glad you are still improving. Even if you don't go home, it sounds like you are on a good path. That is such good news!

"Lil Ol' Me" said...

So very happy for you Etta. One step at a time. I know it is awful. I think of you often. I get it. I live it daily. I've done a round (longer than normal) of TMS therapy this last simmer. And it isn't helping as I hoped and prayed for.

Praying you continue to feel better.

cehope said...

Praying for you.

Sending you some sunshine and good wishes.

Happy for you that things are improving.

You are strong and I admire your strength, especially during this rough patch.

you are much much stronger than this Depression,one step at a time.

Your home awaits u when u are ready.

No place like home

God Bless.