Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, November 9, 2013

The Road is Rough

I apologize for the delay in posting this week. The road has been rough. I've been overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness, saddled with dark, disturbing thoughts, handicapped by the energy of a sloth, and stupefied with delayed mentation. I've been evaluated and reevaluated on a daily basis by multiple professionals, all of whom expressed concern over the level of my despair. Things have been almost unbelievably difficult, yet here I am. Life goes on.

At the request of a couple professionals, my mother flew in to stay with me after I was released from the hospital last week. She is here to help out and to keep me safe. She is assisting me with reintegrating into life, as my brain is severely disabled in the aftermath of ECT treatments, and possibly simply as a complication of the depression. I literally could not be more stupid! I cannot remember anything!

I feel like I've been dropped into my world without the benefit of any historical perspective. I cannot remember when or how many times I've been hospitalized over the past 4 weeks (3 times). I could not remember the fact that Jet had surgery on his elbow approximately two months ago. I can't remember race results which have previously been second nature. Heck, I can't even remember running most of the races I ran this past summer! I'm clueless, and it sucks! I have to ask my mom or my friends for every detail of my recent past, and even after they inform me, the details often remain totally unfamiliar. It is frustrating, unsettling, and bewildering. I hate it.

I do not wish this level of depression on anyone. Someone asked me the other day if I wanted to die. I've determined that I don't care anymore, but I won't take my life, as I care enough about the others around me that I would not want to bring them such hurt. My thinking, however, pulls me in that direction. I am using what little energy I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and move in the direction of life instead.

I appreciate your time here, dear readers. I appreciate your thoughts and prayers. Your recent comments are so appreciated. I am humbled by your words. Thank you all so much. You all help me more than you can or will ever know. Thank you. I only hope I am able to impart a tiny bit of wisdom somewhere within this pain. At least then there might be some purpose. I can only hope. Until next time, my friends, I'll keep on keeping on as best I can. Thanks for hanging in there with me.


Anonymous said...

Your courage has made me stronger in my own battles against this enemy we have. Please stay strong and know that you are loved more than you could possibly realize.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

You teach me about strength and perseverance every time I read your blog, Etta. I appreciate you writing through the good and the bad. You are in my prayers and thoughts.

Bengal said...

Keep strong like you have been. You have so many people pulling for you. NO pressure here but I await the day I read on your blog that this evil depression gets knocked way out in left field and you are back, running, happy and caring for yourself like you once did.

Wendy S. said...

This is the first time I"ve commented but I've been reading your blog for a while. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you how sorry I am that you're in such pain. No words can stop what you're going through and I'm so glad that Wendy and your mother are there for you. Sending you lots of light and blessings for courage, you certainly have courage.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your pain and struggle right now. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Anonymous said...

So very sorry for your pain and struggle right now. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

midnight rainbow said...

I am so sorry you are in so much pain and I hurt for you. Just know we are here for you. We are here for you.

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta, I have been following your blog for a while. I too have been battling this illness for over 15 years. It sucks. What truly frustrates me is the way it just creeps on out of the blue. I have 2 Boston terriers and they are my world. I hope I can speak with you again. Luv and Hugs Gill xx

jim said...

You matter Etta, you matter.

Irene said...

Awful to lose your momentum, your zest. Hope this subsides soon. I am learning from your struggles, but I thought ECT worked even better and quicker than it apparently does. You had a good spell in 2010 that I hope you experience again. May small runs move you along your way peacefully before you even realize it. May you transcend to a mindless easy. Take care as this passes,

Stephanie said...

As a former caregiver to someone who suffered greatly from depression, your blog posts provide tremendous insight to those of us who have been doing our best to be supportive and loving. It's sometimes so hard to grasp the magnitude of the pain of depression. You make it real for those of us who haven't experienced it. Thank you for providing this level of understanding, for sharing your pain and for your living transparently. Prayers for happiness and joy being sent your way.