Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

The Sick One

I'm getting tired of pleading for help and support. That may seem like a strange thing to say, and maybe it is, but I'm tired of begging for help and support. I'm tired of needing other people in order to perform basic daily functions. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of having sick thoughts, lower than low moods, and a crippling lack of energy. I want to function again. I want to regain my energy, motivation and independence. I don't want to be ill any longer.

I'm so tired of being the sick one among my friends and colleagues. I worry I will wear others down. In no time at all I could be alone in the crowd. And who could blame any of them? I'm wiped out from living in this body and struggling with my brain. It's got to be exhausting for those around me, those forced to deal with my sick brain. My distorted thoughts, my inability to take meaningful action, my confusion and memory loss, my lethargy and fatigue; at some point, even my closest friends have got to throw in the towel. And I won't blame them. I'm expecting it. It's just a matter of when.

I'm tired of being the sick one; the one who can't work and risks losing her beloved job, the one who can't decipher her finances or settle her debts without motherly oversight, the one losing fitness and adding pounds as a result of lethargy and indifference, the one whose life has gradually become unrecognizable and difficult to navigate with any sort of grace. I'm tired of being the sick one.

And I'm tired of complaining, which is all I've done with this post, so it's time to end it now. I pray for relief. I pray for friends and colleagues with incredible stamina. I pray for the tolerance to accept and deal with whatever comes my way, to no longer identify as the sick one. And I pray for the strength and resilience to conquer this illness, to crush it, to free myself from that which binds, and to come through unfettered and healthier on the other side. Thank you for praying with me. Someday, the sick one I will no longer be.


Chris said...

You underestimate those around you, Etta. In this life, EVERY ONE has a cross to bear; noone is immune to that truth. This, for now, may be yours. Continue to fight and you will overcome. It cannot win unless you quit.

Don't underestimate your friends, or yourself.

Jean Grey said...

I wonder if there is a physical component to your depression. It seemed that for a while you had been struggling with fatigue with your running prior to this. I know that I take a lot of supplements in addition to meds. Maybe this is something to look in to? The only supplement a psychiatrist recommended to me is n-acetyl-cystine. The others I decided on my own. There is some interesting research on creatine as an antidepressant- in the Sept 2012 issue of the American Journal of Psychiatry. I take it, and I think it has helped both mood and energy. But everyone is different. I just don't like to put all my eggs in one basket with meds.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for God to comfort you during this season. This too shall pass. You are such an inspiration to many people. Thank You for all of your honest feelings. I have suffered from depression my entire life. Please hold on to the HOPE that brighter days will come. .. I promise :) God Bless you.

etta said...

Thanks for your thoughtful comments, everyone. Jean, I looked into it and ordered the n-acetyl-cystine. I figure it's worth a shot. I've tried various, other supplements in the past, but none of them have lasted. We'll see if this one makes the grade. Thanks again for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate all of your support. I have the best readers on the planet!

EsteMeuAno said...

Dear Etta, you've been on my prayers every night, and you'll continue to be. Since I found your blog you've been a great source of inspiration, and you still are.
Please, do not loose hope. Better days will certainly come.

Anonymous said...

I know how you feel, you are not alone. This is my first time visiting your blog, and I can relate to all of the feelings you described. I know the feeling about like being a broken record to family, and complaining. These irrational thoughts are not the truth, they are products of depression. I have suffered a long time as well. One thing that I have learned over the many years studying and rationalizing my condition, and studying others with depression/anxiety is that people focus on what they don't want in their life, and we re-inforce our situation by looking at how things aren't changing. If we can focus on what we do want or positive things in our lives, things can change. I have studied Wayne Dyer a lot, he claims that what we get in life is what we focus our attention on, and we keep getting the same manifestations, because we believe the old recordings in our head of how I am not good enough, etc. I wish you the best, and hope for you to be well.

Gail said...

Please hang in there! I check into your blog daily hoping for a post to give me strength. I am just coming out of a relapse with depression. I knew I would get through it because of the patterns of my past episodes. Even more significant are your stories of hope. I have watched you go through remissions and relapses over the five years I have followed your life story. The proof is in your blog. I hold on to your example when frustration and defeat are taking hold of me. I pray you hang on through this relapse with your disease. I pray for you and for me that you show your strength and your resolve as you work your way through this time. You will come out the other end with this episode behind you. It is only then that you will know how much your friends and your family and your followers respect you and understand that you are more than worth the effort and devotion they are willing to invest in you.

Irene said...

There is so much hope throughout this blog, from your own life and the words of others. Hope it eases you through to brighter days. Despicable disease, wonderful you.

Anonymous said...

Etta, friends and family support each other with all illnesses. What if it were heart disease or MS, etc.? I wonder if it isn't part of the stigma of depression that makes us feel like we shouldn't need help. And chronic illnesses are frustrating for the the person and their family and friends. All get worried and tired - but being there for people we love and letting them be there for us is humanity at its best. That said, your longing to be independent again is so understandable. Praying for you.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Etta, please remember that you are not always the sick one. When the depression isn't stealing your health, you are vibrant and you work and you help others and you are the friend that helps others. You will get through this and again not be the sick one.

The Healthy Arizonan said...

Etta the post is both thought provoking and riveting the honesty you write is pure and should be. The words you write are true no matter how much we don't want to believe there is a negativity attached. As some one that can relate I thought I was the only one that experienced the "alone in a crowd" feeling. Thank you for sharing on a peer level such intimate thoughts and feelings so that others like me may learn from your experience. The sick one in my opinion is beautifully written article that is self piercing which brings the facts right to the surface. At any rate I commend you on steps taken to recovery. If you would allow i would like to share such post on related blogs so that my readers may also benefit from your articles as I did.
As we all need to live healthy Physically, Mentally and Spiritually

Anonymous said...

So glad I chose today of all days to pop in and see how you are doing. I will definitely add my prayers to yours!