Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


It is the middle of the night. I awoke around 3:30 AM, and it is now 4:35 AM. I've been ruminating. Ruminating, in case you were unaware, is not conducive to sleep. Even Jet is looking at me with tired eyes, not bothering to get up, wondering what the hell I'm doing. I'm ruminating. Writing, I hope, will be the cure.

I got out of the hospital yesterday morning. It was snowing beautiful, fluffy snow, as it had been all morning. I went home briefly, tried to start my snowblower, but despite long distance help from my step-father via texted photos and phone calls, I had no luck. I pulled the snowblower back in the garage and ran off to my AA meeting instead. I thought a little wisdom and serenity time couldn't hurt so soon after discharge. It didn't.

Returning home, and after multiple attempts to start the snow blower, my friend Taylor arrived and started it for me. I now know the trick. Shouldn't be a problem from here on out. Taylor had arrived to return my mail. He kept an eye on my house and collected my mail over the last 10 days. It took me a few days, mail undoubtedly piling up in my mailbox and house appearing very empty, but I finally called Taylor from the hospital and asked for his assistance. He seemed genuinely pleased to be asked and took care of things for me. As a result, I didn't have to worry about my house while I was in the hospital. I guess that's what friends do for each other, huh?

I'm at my friend Wendy's house right now. After clearing the snow from my driveway and sidewalks, unpacking from my hospital stay, and organizing a few overdue projects in my house, I came here last evening to spend the night. Wendy and her family took good care of Jet while I was gone, and he and I had a delightful reunion. We took a cold, snowy walk under the full moon together, in order to release some of his excitement, and I didn't mind one bit. It was also nice to be back in Wendy's home with her active family. Normalcy felt good.

I've got some busy days ahead. I will have an 1.5 hour intake in a few hours for the outpatient mood disorders program I referred to a couple days ago. If the intake goes well, I will be beginning an eight hour per day, two week, intensive outpatient program at some point in the near future. That should keep me very busy, and structured, for awhile. The structure will be good, although I am a bit concerned about it being too much. I hope I can keep up with the rest of my life while participating.

That pretty much covers my rumination for now. I'm going to try to get a little bit of sleep before dawn. I need sleep or I don't function terribly well. It's nice to be here, typing from a bedroom rather than from an inpatient psychiatry unit. I'm going to do my best to make this recent admission my last admission and get back to my life. As usual, I'll let you know how that goes.


Sunny Spells and Scattered Showers said...

Well done on getting home, asking for help, and allowing yourself to be looked after. None of that is easy. The programme sounds like it could be a fantastic opportunity, I sincerely hope it works out well for you. Mind yourself.

Anonymous said...

I think of you often, I have gone through a lot of the same things you have, I am sending you positive energy, all we can do sometimes is put one foot in front of each other, and pray we get to the finish line, my depression and anxiety was so bad for 4 years I woke up every morning wishing I didn't , I was nothing like my old self, finally one morning I woke up and said, I am the only one who can pull myself out of it, and little by little I found tools that help, I will never be free of it, but right now I am least having better days. I had est and all kinds of meds and they just didn't help, I know you will make it out of this black hole. Merry Christmas and no you have touched my heart and your blog helps so many people

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm glad you're home. It must be so good to see Jet and get some normalcy back. The outpatient program sounds good. I hope the intake goes well. I've been thinking about you.

Bengal said...

Welcome home :) Try not to stress over anything. Just focus on you and getting better. Don't look back in the past and don't worry about the future. Just focus on now. Happy holidays to you and yours. My wish for you is that you find happiness and peace.

Irene said...

You've gone so far. I applaud your continuing strength. Enjoying your honesty as you color visibly a dark journey many of us live.

midnight rainbow said...

Welcome home Etta! You sound good. Just remember one step at a time and if it helps, all the big stuff, breaks down into very small stuff that you can handle. Good luck to you.

I bet Jet was so glad you are home!

A said...

Hi Etta,

I am really glad you're home and especially that you have Jet with you.

As I mentioned before, I am really struggling myself these days. I swing from total terror and anxiety about everything in my past and how the future will be to holding onto a small sliver of hope and then sobbing.

I really appreciate reading your entries, it is very much a relief to not suffer alone.