Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Don't feel like it

I don't feel like reading my book. I don't feel like watching TV. I don't feel like listening to my usual weekend programs on NPR. I didn't feel like exercising, but I did lift some weights. I don't feel like writing this blog post. Besides sleeping, I don't feel like doing much of anything. I'm concerned.

Disinterest in my normal activities is a concerning sign for me. My mood today feels sickeningly familiar, and disinterest is often the precursor to a slide. Of course, right now I am hyper vigilant when it comes to signs of a potential slide. I dread the thought of going backwards. I don't think I could handle it again.

I've written about this before. It is so difficult, I think, to avoid panicking when we have these lower than normal days. Perhaps this is just a normal day with a normal dip in my mood and a normal dip in my interest in activities. Perhaps I'm just bored. I hope so. But how do we know? I certainly don't want to wait to find out.

I'm trying to battle rather than wait. I am using some of the tools I just learned in my mood disorder program. I used a tool called Opposite Action when I went to the gym to lift some weights despite wanting to stay inside and slumber. I did go to my meeting this morning, and I will go to my track club banquet tonight. I've let my friend, Wendy, and my doctor know what's happening. I am scared, but I pray taking the next right action and continuing to move forward will keep this damn, dreaded illness at bay. Please.


Annie said...

I feel the same, I panic when I feel, this way , because of the brutal anxiety and depression, I went through for years, I still have it, but if have tools like you do to battle it instead of letting it win, I am sending you positive vibes.
Our only hope is to defeat it by using anything we can to get through it. Hugs!

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

You're doing what you need to do. I understand that fear of a slide. It scares me, too, when I find myself not wanting to do anything but sleep. I like the idea of taking the next right action. I've been telling myself that lately, thanks to you! :-)

A said...

I know exactly how you're feeling. I have had a very busy past couple of weeks with a wedding and my significant other's birthday party, along with school and the usual household stuff - and again, when I get into the swing of it, I am doing okay, as long as I can keep my focus and my mind away from the demons and shadows. But today I am really feeling my depression, anxiety, and paranoia big time. I am also REALLY hating the weather right now. There is so much ice on the ground and it's cold and I want to go out to run but I'd also prefer not to screw up my ankles by slipping badly. I can't wait til this winter is over. I'm sure it's even harder for you being so far north. So, know that you are in no way alone in feeling the terror, I am right there with you. I wish we could just cling together somehow in this hurricane of life and try to hold on and make it! I am also a super hypochondriac, and the past few weeks I have been panicking over what if I get breast cancer? My mother has had both breast and endometrial cancer, but she managed to beat both and has been cancer free for over five years. I have had a couple of mammograms in the past which didn't turn up anything, but I just feel like calamity is always right around the corner in my life... ugh. Anyway, sorry for rambling, thank you as always for all your posts!

Mieke Jeanne said...

I just wanted to say "thanks". I understand how you feel and what you are going through. While I wish you better days, thanks for honestly posting your struggles.

Understanding that others are dealing with some of the same things that I am challenged with, gives me the strength to keep fighting.