Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, January 31, 2014

Little of this, little of that...

Thank God it's the last day of January. This is not my favorite month of the year. This year has been exceptionally tough almost entirely due to the extreme weather we've been experiencing. At least the days are getting longer. Unfortunately the cold and snow have kept us locked up inside and unable to enjoy most days. It's been a long month.

This last day of January is an anniversary of sorts. It was 29 years ago today, when I was a junior in high school, that I nearly ended my life with a serious suicide attempt. For some reason, this day usually stands out on the calendar, as it is today. I had severe, untreated, largely ignored depression as a teenager. It began around age 15. By the time I reached 17, I was completely tapped out.

My suicide attempt was classic. I planned it for weeks. I gave things away and said goodbye in various, unrecognized ways. I played what I planned to be my final high school basketball game. Lastly, I finished all of my final exams, acing every one. I was ready to be done. Obviously, I didn't get my wish, and I am here today to remember the anniversary instead. I have a variety of jumbled, mixed up feelings about this day and that event. They are too jumbled and mixed up to even explain. So I'll just note the day. It is, after all, part of my story.

My mood has fluctuated over the past week. I was doing well, so well that my doctor and I reduced one of my meds. It's the med primarily responsible for my weight gain. With all I've been physically doing and how I've been eating, I should not be gaining weight, but I am. I am now close to the heaviest I have ever been. Most of my clothes do not fit, and running is more difficult than it needs to be. It's very frustrating. Fortunately, after only a few days at the slightly lower dose of the "fat med," I felt physically better. I had two demanding runs that felt easier, too. That was nice.

Unfortunately, earlier this week my mood took a dive, and I suffered through a couple of long, low days. It was difficult and frightening, and my doctor rescinded her order. So today I'm back up to the original dose of the fat med. I'm frustrated again, especially since my mood is better today.

My mood actually began improving yesterday. I went to an extra AA meeting last night, and that was helpful, too. Of course, I don't want to take the higher dose of the fat med, but I try my best not to play doctor, so I'll probably comply. I understand my psychiatrist's cautiousness. Neither of us wants me to go through what I just went through again. I'm praying my mood gets a little more stable in the next few days and weeks so we can discuss lowering the fat med once again.

That's the story for today, my friends. The sun is shining on my little world, camouflaging the fact that it's nearly 10 below zero outside. I'm scheduled to run 16 miles tomorrow, so I hope the temperature rises! I'm glad it's only the weather which is one of my big concerns today. Simple. Life is life right now, and I'll take it. Carry on!


Irene said...

It is such a tough time of year for me also. Happy anniversary to your continued life. Better times ahead.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm sorry if you get my comment twice. I just wanted to tell you that January seemed dark and long for me, and I normally enjoy winter. I hope your mood stays in a good place. I know it must be so frustrating, but you have come so far and you are doing so well in taking the next right step. You inspire me!