Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Apathy

It says, "loss of interest or pleasure in everyday activities." It's one of the official symptoms of depression.Yup, got it. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to write. I don't want to go to the store. I don't want to visit. I don't want to talk on the phone. I don't want to cook or prepare even simple things to eat. I don't want to clean. I don't want to change my clothes. I don't even want to open the door to get my mail! It's all too big, or too overwhelming, or just too uninteresting. And it all takes energy. I don't have any of that right now.

Sleep. That's the only thing at which I am currently proficient. The funny thing is I'm not interested in sleeping either, but I can barely keep my eyes open most of the time. Despite my hyper somnolence, I've been able to keep a few commitments. This is how it goes. I sleep, work for a few hours, and then collapse in exhaustion. I sleep, struggle through a run, and then I sleep some more. I sleep, go to an appointment, and then collapse in a heap. It's painful and exhausting to leave my house. I'm battling just to maintain some semblance of normalcy.

I'm trying my best not to worry. Of course I am worried...waiting for the other shoe to drop. But I can't do that. I've got to stay in today. I'm doing my best to keep moving forward, even if it means sleeping more than my fair share of the day. I'm trying to do what my body will allow when it will allow it. I wish it wasn't painful and exhausting to leave my house. I wish something, anything, held my interest. But that's not the case right now. Despite the apathy, I feel I've got to keep pushing. And that's what I'm attempting to do. It's hard. This illness is hard sometimes. I hate it.

10 comments:

CH said...

It is like you were inside my head and have described exactly what I feel on a daily basis. But, you are writing, running and working, putting one foot in front of the other in a daily effort to improve. At times that is more than some of us can do. Your words help all of us. Keep pushing forward each day, you are not alone in this marathon. Prayers to you.
CH

Irene said...

Etta, first you described my experience perfectly. Then CH responded to you just as I would like to. Wish we could all be in the flow of life without all this.

Only a fool trips on something behind them, and none of us know the future, so now, here we are. Peace.

Anonymous said...

Etta -- I have been where you are, many times in the past few years. As hard and discouraging as it is to be back in a state of apathy, you are writing on your blog, you are running, even if it is a struggle... you are pushing, which shows just how strong you are. I only found your blog a few months ago and have found your posts a great motivation and inspiration for me. The only advice I can offer is to believe that this feeling is temporary; trust that your efforts will pay off and you will feel a lift in your mood and energy soon. Cheryl

Mohican said...

Yes, this is me too. For you, it's a downward step; for me, it's just another day like all the others. You've expressed perfectly955694 an experience many of your readers share.

(FWIW, I haven't found any evidence of plagiarism of your stuff.)

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I have been there, too, and I know how much energy it must have taken to even write this post. Be proud that you are pushing through each next step. Keeping you in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Etta, I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling. But as sufferers from depression, I think we tend to discount the positive and not give ourselves credit. The fact that you're still pushing yourself to work, to run, to follow your treatment is extremely positive. When I'm depressed, I just sleep all the time and can't take any of these positive steps. It shows how strong you are. Sending you good wishes!

Sunita

Irene said...

I agree with the others who say you are pushing beyond what we/ I have been doing. You are showing remarkable strength. It's the deception of depression not to recognize that. What a distortion. Hope you reap benefits soon.

hannah morley said...

Yuck. I know how that feels. I hate it when people see this part of depression as laziness opposed to genuine lethargy and disinterest in... well..... life. Sometimes you just don't want to engage with world and for me, at least, these are the times where I feel that they are useful for recharging and getting all that meh! Out of my system. Great blog btw.

Anonymous said...

wow...I can totally relate to this post. The total disinterest in ANYTHING and the desire to sleep, sleep, sleep are the worst. They can become such a vicious cycle. When I'm not at work I'm at home. I hate to leave the house, it's a struggle to make myself go to the grocery store. I'm sad to know so many people are out there like me, but I also find comfort in knowing I'm not completely alone in this. The other posters are right though, the fact that you continue to blog, ARE working and your running are wonderful!

I just wish someone could tell me how to motivate myself to just take that.first.step out the door, and then it just gets easier from there...one little step, hard to imagine it could be soooo hard.

InsanityIsGenius said...

Reading this has really helped. Recently I've missed so many uni lectures. I can't bring myself to leave my house, I'm afraid of something. Not sure what though.
Thanks for posting this. Keep strong!



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