Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Only one direction from here

Despite my best efforts the dive in my mood continues. Actually, rather than a quick dive, it now feels like a gradual, suffocating, slide underwater; really black, heavy, murky water. The symptoms I'm experiencing have multiplied over the past couple days. And today depression took away what little energy I had left. I'm heavy, exhausted, and slow.

I've been trying to do what I can to get out, keep to my commitments, and talk to friends (though I admit I haven't done too well on that score). Socialization is always the first to go. Today, I lost running. That's a scary sign, as that's often my last bastion of normalcy. But today I tried and failed.

Okay, perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. I didn't totally fail. I did get some of my run accomplished, but very unlike me, I could not complete the miles I had scheduled. And the miles I did run were so difficult, I was incredibly frustrated. I was forced to begin walking far from home. My body just wouldn't go. Jet and I slowly made our way back. It was a long, cold, misadventure.

I'm concerned. I certainly don't want to go through another depression episode. I want to keep moving forward. I want to keep working, running, and socializing. I want to feel the feelings of life, not stand outside myself and coldly observe. I'm going through the motions without feeling. I want to be in motion instead.

I'm speaking to a high school class about depression tomorrow. Hopefully that will help get me out of my head for an hour. I'm also scheduled to see my therapist, which I certainly hope will help turn the tide. I want and need to get my head back above water. I'm low, so low. Up is the only direction I have left to go.


Kai said...

Wishing you the very best! Even though I'm following your blog from several thousand miles away, I'm glad, being a long-term depression sufferer myself, I can be part of your journey. I'm admiring your strength, keep going up from here!

Irene said...

Maybe this page will be as comforting to you as it was to me. I didn't just want to say hang in there. I admire your strength. Worry is the future, don't bother yourself with it.

Socially I am so sensitive that going negative is simply the next moment for me. And moving through molasses is also too common a life experience.

Depression is the monster exaggerator. Look at its sorry, mistaken face and smile as it shrinks. Love it away.

Irene said...

Lovely song that reminds you, that one day, your pain too will be invisible...

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Etta, I am thinking of you and hoping that you will move upward. I hope the talk with the class and the visit with your therapist work positively for you.

Anonymous said...

Just think when you wrote this that a few months later you'd be running a marathon! Maybe this will help you the next time you get down with the fatigue, etc. I hope so!