Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, May 2, 2014

a little tired

This week I got back to my training, full force, which is the only way I know, and I picked up a few shifts at work, with another scheduled for tomorrow, and I'm pooped! Too much? Maybe. Maybe I didn't give myself enough rest time after the marathon. Maybe I picked up the training too soon after such a long, tough day on the road in Boston. Maybe working still taxes my brain more than I realize. Maybe it's just my usual fatigue, the constant reminder of my depression, rearing its ugly head. Maybe the fact that it's been raining and cold for 6 consecutive days has caused me to crack. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I could probably think of several more potential reasons for my current fatigue, but the reality is I'm tired. My body is tired. My brain is tired. I'm having trouble motivating to do anything beyond my absolutely required activities. And absolutely required activities have been reduced to running and working. When not engaged in one of those two activities, I'm collapsed on the sofa snoozing. It's not pretty. It's not what I'd like. But right now, it's the best I can do.

I'm hoping the extra rest is what I need to get going again. I'm allowing myself to rest, and trying not to feel guilty about it. I'm doing what I can in other areas as well. I altered my scheduled run yesterday. I ran fewer intervals than suggested. I had to. My body said so. I had contemplated asking my doctor to increase my allowable work hours, but I think I'll hold off on that request for now. Apparently, I still need the restrictions. I'm sitting under my S.A.D. light every morning in order to combat this awful stretch of weather. Supposedly, the sun is due to come out tomorrow. I certainly hope so.

Until the sun shines again. Until my head and body rejuvenate. Until I can find the energy to live more completely, I'm afraid I'll have to be content with my tiny, focused world right now. I've been through periods of fatigue before. They've always been relieved. I've always made it through, and I know I'll make it through again. I'm just a little tired right now. It's okay. I'll do what I can. I'll wait it out. It will get better. I'm certain of that.

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