Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, July 24, 2014

One strange day

Things have been going well. I've been working, running, lifting weights, going to meetings, and generally keeping up with life. But today, as they say in bike racing, I apparently cracked. I've fallen a long way down, and I don't like it one bit.

The day began as every Tuesday and Thursday does, with me lifting weights and circuit training in my 5AM, 45 minute class. I then had some breakfast, saw my doctor, and did a bit of shopping for my mom's birthday gift. It was a beautiful morning and all was well.

The plan was to come home after shopping, rest, and watch The Tour de France (hence the bike racing reference above), before going for my afternoon run and to my evening meeting. But the plan didn't materialize. After returning home, I began feeling off. Suddenly I was slammed with fatigue and could barely keep my head up. I tried to take a nap, but my brain wasn't as sleepy as my body, and it wouldn't shut up. I was bothered by horrible, intrusive thoughts as I fitfully tried to rest. Without the needed rest, my day quickly went black.

It all happened so fast. My mood followed my energy and dove into the toilet. As I sit here now, I'm frustrated and confused. I know I should just force myself out of this chair and at least go for a walk. I know I should stop typing and get to my Thursday night meeting. But the motivation is flagging to say the least. Knowing what I should do and doing it are two very different things.

There's still time, of course. This very strange, rapidly changing day is not over yet. I'm going to make an effort to do something outside my house. Perhaps it will help. Likely, it will help. But getting out of this chair may take all the energy I've got.

I pray it's a one and done day. I pray the sun arising tomorrow lifts me up. I don't have to figure out what happened. It is what it is. I'll keep on keeping on. After all, this too shall pass. I have to count on that.


Irene said...

It's frustrating when the brain tool just doesn't function well. Sorry it was amiss.

Here's a nice thought I just read:

Don’t smile to hide the pain, smile to heal the pain. Don’t think of all the sadness in the world, think of all the beauty that still remains around you (Marc Chernoff)

Hope you're having a lighter moment now,

Rachael said...

Sending love xxx

Irene said...

Wishing you well. You haven't posted since your recent difficulty.

It would be wonderful if they could discover help for migraines and depression. I know many who would benefit, myself included. And there are some hopeful discoveries in brain research lately,.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there. Its okay to hit a rough patch. Hopefully it will pass soon. I'm sending you good thoughts.

- Virginia