Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, September 5, 2014

Sickness and Sickness

This has been a particularly long, tough week. Mentally and physically, things aren't going well. My lungs still aren't cleared up enough to allow me to run. I've been compensating with a bit of weight lifting and some long walks with Jet, but that's about it. That's been tough on my mood.

My mood has been as complicated as my lungs. I've been so, so low, that my MD increased one of my medications. Unfortunately, it appears that increase has caused akathisia, which is this unrelenting restlessness where you feel like you are crawling out of your skin all the time. It's very uncomfortable.

So what to do? Well, we decreased the offending med slightly, which ironically had begun to improve my mood, in order to get rid of the nasty akathisia, but that puts me at risk of another decline in my mood. The fun never ends.

The combination of poor physical health combined with poor mental health, and now anxiety, has really taken a toll on my ability to work. I've managed very few hours over the past week. I made it in to work today, but my anxiety/akathisia was so intense, I could barely breathe, much less think, and I left after only 45 minutes. I spent the rest of the day paralyzed on the sofa, restless, feeling like I needed to move, yet unable to do so. It's been a long day.

I'm supposed to work tomorrow, and I'm very concerned about that. Mornings have been exceptionally tough to get going. Once I get to work, I'm usually okay. Today was the exception. But getting my heavy, low mood out the door has been a challenge. Hopefully tomorrow will begin a little brighter.

I'm also feeling more and more pressure to get back to training. I've missed a 20-miler and one whole week of training, right in the middle of my marathon training program. This is not a recipe for success. I'm hoping to get back out on the road this weekend, probably Sunday, and hoping I can manage more than just a few miles, too. The Chicago Marathon is only a five weeks away.

The bottom line, however, is I am exhausted and frustrated with the current state of things, mentally and physically. I feel like a yo-yo. One day things are improving, the next I have a brand new debilitating symptom. One day I feel some energy and hope, the next day I can't force my body to move. Today, I wanted to curl up and disappear. I'm tired. Stability, I hope, has to return soon.


Anonymous said...

Etta, you are so inspirational. You are doing so much to fight your depression. Thank you and I hope you feel better soon.

- Virginia

Anonymous said...

I agree with the above commenter. You are an inspiration. - SUsie

Fight Depression said...

this is good story,,, very inspiration, thanks for sharing :-)