Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Yo-Yo Etta

What an unstable little world I've been living in lately. My mood has been on an up and down journey as of late. While I'm still feeling better overall, as I noted in my last post, I've suffered through some awful lows this week. As usual, there's been no rhyme or reason to it. One afternoon I crashed after having a relatively good day. I woke up one morning near tears but felt a bit better by the evening. One night I barely slept because I felt so low, but by morning I was okay. It's weird. It's uncomfortable, and I don't like it much.

During the lows, I've had to work really hard to keep my frustration in check. Those of you who walk in my shoes know how difficult it is to not fear the worst when the bottom hits. I've been trying to focus my energy on the good times, putting one foot in front of the other during the low times, and doing what I can no matter my fickle mood. It's been a challenge.

Today has been a good day. I ran my last long run prior to the upcoming Chicago Marathon. I ran 16 miles, which was really important, as I missed two scheduled runs this week when I couldn't garner enough energy to get out the door. Those were low days. I was so pleased with myself after running, I treated myself to a Dairy Queen Blizzard, which I didn't need, but it was oh, so delicious. I spent the rest of my day running errands, napping, and watching football. It was, as I said, a good day.

I'm grateful for my good day. And I'm hoping my fortune continues and the ups outnumber the downs in the days to come. Whatever comes my way, I'm committed to ride it out. I'm tired of fighting the lows, but the alternative, giving in to them, is not a palatable idea either. So I might as well continue to fight. Eventually, I'm going to beat this damn illness. I hope.


Tina Fariss Barbour said...

It must feel like a yo-yo. I'm sorry you're having to fight like this, but proud that you are not giving up. You're holding on to hope, and it does me good to see that. Thank you for the inspiration you provide. I hope things level out for you soon and you can put one foot in front of the other during GOOD times. :-)

Jenny said...

Etta I have been reading your blog for a few months and wanted to comment. I have suffered severe depression my entire adult life and I am currently in what I call "remission". I jog 3 - 4 times weekly but have never ran a marathon. The fact that you get out and run when going through the torturous hells of depression is nothing short of a miracle. Please hang in there and keep posting. You have no idea how much of an inspiration you are! :-)

Jill said...

Hi Etta,
Just discovered your blog. I'm also a long-time marathoner, whose training is definitely hindered in a similar fashion. Hoping to attempt to requalify for Boston in my next age group next fall...ran my first in the heat in 2012. I live in NY State but my husband grew up in Minneapolis, so we went back to visit (and for me to run Grandma's Marathon) in 2012. We definitely hope to get back there again! Anyway, what I've read so far of your blog is encouraging and inspiring to me...I struggle to get out the door and struggle with some weight gain recently too. Wishing you many more good days...and runs!