Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

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There is an ache in the center of my chest. It is depression. It's terrible and familiar. Hard to believe an empty hole can yet be filled with so much pain. An ache... loud and obnoxious, demanding and debilitating, yet somehow silent and secret from all around. It is this diabolical ache, this empty pain which makes pounding the fists in frustration perfectly reasonable. An empty invisible hole can't hurt! But it does. It makes no sense. Pounding the fists creates actual pain. And actual pain is so much easier to deal with than a nebulous, invisible, soul sucking ache. I hate the ache.


Irene said...

I wish you didn't feel this pain.

Other people have faulty mental states too so their perceptions are off and they say stupid, thoughtless things even when trying to be kind. I wish you wouldn't take to heart, the goofy things people can say. But when you're at such a painful place, you're an open wound that can't barely tolerate anything more.

I wish I could share your burden so it would lose its dark intensity. These loathsome thoughts aren't you so I hope my acceptance touches your heart and brain a tiny bit.

Jean Grey said...

My depression is usually in my stomach. In fact I once wondered if some kind of nerve denervation to the area would help my depression. Depression sucks. Are you using a light box?

Unknown said...

Etta.....I feel your pain, peace be with you...en theos...j

Unknown said...

this is exactly how i feel in my chest slowly dispersing though my body taking me over and swallowing me slowly. stay strong <3