Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, May 24, 2015


Is there a bigger waste of mental energy than worrying? I don't think so. And I know I'm wasting a ton of energy these days. My relationship, my injury, and a potential surgery are the primary issues causing me concern. I've got worries.

I'm sorry to report my boyfriend and I are struggling a bit. We've been long distance dating for four years. Living four hours apart from each other has been challenging, but we've made it work. Recently, however, making it work has been a little more difficult. Out of respect for my boyfriend's privacy, I don't want to say more that that. We're talking, and that's important, but I don't yet know what the future entails for us. It's a stressful time, and I'm worried.

My Achilles tendon continues to cause me anxiety. The pain is a constant reminder something is wrong. It's improved ever so slightly, but there is still no way I can run. I had my MRI last Tuesday, but I don't yet know the results. That's frustrating. I'm scheduled to see my doctor for the results this Wednesday. Not knowing what's wrong has been tough. I want to know what's up so I can make a plan and move forward. And so I can get the worries out of my brain!

Battling for space in my brain is indecision and worry regarding a big decision I have to make. I've told you in the past about my sleep apnea. Apparently, I've got a lot of extra tissue, including my tonsils, hanging around in my throat. There is a surgery called UPPP which can remove the excess tissue and potentially solve my sleep apnea. That would be thrilling! No more C-PAP, which I hate!
Seems like an easy decision, right? Nope.

There are potential complications which leave me questioning what to do. In addition to the normal complications, which can result from any surgery, there are two big variables to be considered. UPPP surgery is only successful around 40-50% of the time, and UPPP surgery is extremely painful. The pain lasts a solid two weeks, during which time I would be unable to exercise or work. That fact adds mental health and financial concerns to the decision making process.

After a long, frank discussion with the ear, nose and throat surgeon, I'm leaning toward doing the surgery, but I'm having trouble actually making the decision. I'm not a fan of throat pain, so that scares me. I'm worried about not being able to do anything for two weeks. That could be tough on my mental health. I'm not sure if I can afford to take two full weeks off of work. When I don't work, I don't get paid. That worries me. And finally, even if I do get through all of that, there's a 50% chance I'll still have sleep apnea! I really don't know what to do.

Decisions, decisions... I dislike indecision. I dislike worrying. They both sap my energy. I'm trying to combat the worry, and make some decisions, with pros and cons lists, chats with friends and professionals, and writing. I'm spending a lot of time refocusing my mind, trying to come back to the present moment, every time I find myself stuck with one of these concerns spinning in my head. It's difficult but necessary. I know the sooner I take some steps and make some decisions, the sooner I'll be able to quit worrying and start moving forward once again.


Irene said...

Yes, that indecisive area is awful. I always feel better once I've made a decision. Then I rest in peace. I don't like the brain fog. I recoil in avoidance but finally tire of the worthless worry and cut to the decision. That would be great if you could sleep without the apparatus. I hope it works for you. And I hope seeing a timeline for the throat pain, though awful, is comforting. Wishing you the best,

Anonymous said...

I know I must get rid of anxiety and worry. They waste the day and there is nothing you can do about it. Need to live the moment and be happy. Hope things go well. Good luck...John.