Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, June 25, 2015

slow descent

My mood has dropped. While I'm not shocked, it still stinks. I've noticed my mood slowly descending over the past few weeks. I'm at the point now where doing everyday chores, errands, and work is getting overwhelming and challenging. But what I notice most is that I'm going through the motions. I'm not enjoying life right now. I'm doing life, but I'm not really experiencing life. That sucks. I don't like going through the motions. It's difficult to motivate for that.

On the other hand things could be worse. I was expecting this divot, and I think that makes it easier to deal with. I know the impetus for this slow decline. It isn't coming out of the blue. I'm worried, but I'm aware. I knew wearing this boot, which makes everything more difficult, is exhausting, and prohibits me from almost all exercise, would put me at high risk for a depression relapse. Thankfully, I'm not there yet. Things could definitely be worse.

I don't want things to get worse. I have no desire to approach a full blown depression relapse. I'm going to continue doing whatever I can do to keep this dip to a divot. I'm not going to allow it to become a canyon. Not if I can help it! And I think I can help it.

With a little conscious effort, I'm hopeful I can stop this slow descent where it's at. I'm going to do that by sticking to my schedule and routine, regardless of how dull or overwhelmed I may feel. I'm going to continue to eat well, get enough sleep, take care of Jet, take my medications, exercise as best I can, go to work, keep my appointments, and make it to meetings. I'm even paying attention to things like showering and doing my dishes. I know if I let the simple things go, everything else will become more challenging. Conscious effort. That's what I need.

I need to keep the darkness at bay. I feel like it is waiting in the wings, and I've got to fight to keep it from enveloping me. It's weird. My depression today feels like a thing...a being, even. A very patient being waiting to pounce. I've got to protect myself. Simple steps, one foot in front of the other, I've got to keep moving forward. Sounds cliche, but for me it's true. It's the only way I know to combat the darkness waiting for me.

6 comments:

Major Depression said...

Nice share sister :)
You're already doing a good job :)

cat1101 said...

Just wanted to assure you, as you know. that you are not alone. I thought that I was doing to feel better once summer hit, but I didn't at all. It's like I've just been slogging alone in a depressive daze through the heat and humidity. It was like one day I went on a hike with a friend and even on a gloriously beautiful day, I started to feel my brain gearing down and it continued for an entire three weeks or so.

However, just this past Monday, I got my alpha-stim SCS unit in the mail. I was not very hopeful about it, but the anxiety was a bit less right off and on day four I am feeling a lifting of my depression. I am giving it up to 3 weeks to see what is really reached and sustained. They have done excellent studies on these. I asked my doctor for an Rx as you need one to buy one and she said she had no experience with these, but that another doctor in her practice prescribes them.

It is kind of like poor-person's ECT. I will post back and let you know if I think it helped all that much. Sometimes my mood will just lift out of the blue for a couple of days and then back down again. I blame some of this on hormonal shifts as well, but I have heard good things online from people who have used these and the studies they've done are compelling.

Anonymous said...

Give the sad pal the guest room, and onto daily doings. Just don't give up the whole house. Minute by minute,

Tamar said...

Your determination and hope are apparent in the tone of your post and your actions, its inspirational. You're right, dips suck, but you can recognise them for what they are. Once again...inspriational.
Tamar

Paul said...

I think just your recognition of the fact that your slipping in itself might be enough to keep from doing so. And don't let the dreaded boot keep you sidelined. There are numerous activities to help relieve your stress and boost your mood while you're stuck wearing that thing.

Jim Work said...

Ms E......seeing the looming darkness can be a helpful thing. Easy does it, soft landings and all that. Take care, hope you can get some sunlight......take care of yourself, blessing..jim



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