Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Not low...NO

It would be a relief if my motivation and mood were simply low right now. Instead, I am experiencing a lack of mood and no motivation. Have you ever heard of such a thing? It sounds silly writing it down, but it does seem to be my current reality. I can find nothing redeemable to pull me out of this funk. I can find no reason to accomplish any of what needs to be accomplished. I even missed work as a result of my non-mood and motivation. Why bother? I cannot seem to pull myself off the couch. I cannot stay awake long enough even if I could. I cannot wrap my mind around anything other than destructive thoughts. Is this depression? It started as typical depression symptoms, the gray cloak and all, but I seem to have hit a new low...or should I say a new "no." I've got nothing. I've got nothing to say. I've got nothing to offer. I've got nothing to contribute. What am I doing here? I feel like a despicable speck of dead. Move on...nothing to see (or read) here.


Jen said...

Yes....apathy is classic depression. You're lucky you haven't experienced it before now!

Can you call your therapist or psychiatrist and maybe make some med changes?

Dora said...

Hi Etta,

I'm sad to read this. I know it must be impossible to believe it now, but 'this too shall pass'.
You are in my heart and in my prayers.

Unknown said...

"I've got nothing. I've got nothing to say. I've got nothing to offer. I've got nothing to contribute. What am I doing here?"
Ah, but you do have something! You let me have a mirror to see a reflection that echo I am not alone. I am not the only one. I am not crazy! That there are others who battle this maddening sense of nothingness. ...............battle on girl, battle on, even if it is from the couch!.......en theos....james

HBF said...

You are not alone! You describe this state so perfectly. It's so tough to work out of, sometimes I just have to wait for the motivation to do something, anything to work up again. In some ways it's slightly easier to swallow than the horrible, suffocating depression but almost feels more enveloping. Very hard to describe/nail down.

Hope it passes soon :) Sometimes it's okay to just "be" and wait for a new leaf to turn over, no pressure, just patience :)

Anonymous said...

Cradle the fog for now.

Anonymous said...

Rolled up on the couch with dog eyes watching you. Surrender with nothing to be done.
Cradle the fog for now.

Jean Grey said...

It sounds like depression, perhaps a different flavor than what you are "used" to. You are in a bad place. I wish I knew the secret to getting out of that place. Then I could get myself out of that place too when I go there.