Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, August 24, 2015

Lo Mo Jo

Struggling along here, I am. I've not even been up to writing in this blog. I apologize for that. I wish things were moving along more evenly and briskly, but that's not been the case. I'm still struggling with my energy, my mood, and my motivation. All three remain quite low. And that makes getting through each day quite a challenge. I'm doing my best, but my best doesn't feel very good right now.

I'm continuing my twice-weekly ECT treatments. I'm not sure they're making a difference anymore, but I'm tolerating them very well, and the other option, which would be discontinuing ECT, isn't palatable either. I plan to continue for a few more treatments and hope for an upswing in my mood.

I'm also back at work. I worked two, 4 hour days last week. One day was a bit overwhelming, but the other day went well. I'm scheduled to work a couple of 4 hour shifts later this week, too. It's nice to be back working with patients and my co-workers have all been fabulous to return to. I miss working when I'm stuck at home. I'm looking forward to feeling better and better so I can get back to a regular employment schedule.

I'm looking forward to feeling better so I can exercise more intensely as well. I'm doing my best to eat better and ride my stationary bike. However, the ECT treatments do seem to be taking a physical toll, as I'm less tolerant of exercise than I was previously. But I can ride for 30 minutes at a time, so I've been trying to do that at least once per day regardless of how impossible it seems in the moment.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't frustrated with where I'm at. I'd like to have more energy, feel more motivated, and have a much improved mood by now. But that's not reality. When the frustration sets in I'm trying to remind myself this is a temporary situation. I try to reflect on how far I've come in just a few short weeks rather than focus on what I've yet to accomplish. It's difficult. I'm a bit of a perfectionist, and I don't like feeling low. But I'll continue to push forward to the best of my ability. It may be a struggle, but I'm not giving up yet. Prayers are always appreciated.


Paul said...

I wish there was more I could do for you than wish there was more I could do for you.

I still admire and respect your strength. Despite it all, you're giving me some measure of hope.

HBF said...

I'm impressed and happy for you, even though I know it is hard. I'm doing some time in inpatient, my first time ever, and your strength has inspired me to keep at it and keep working toward better days.

Little by little. Even the biggest snowballs start with the most fragile little flakes :)