Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Home again

I'm back in my humble abode after another 12-day hospital stay. I wish I could report my mood has spectacularly improved, but I'm unable to say that. My mom is here with me helping out for a few days in order to ease the transition from inpatient to real world, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed and a bit unprepared to face the world. In fact, the first thing I did when I got home was cry. I still feel low, and feeling low after 12 days in the hospital scares and discourages me. I'm trying desperately to stay mindful of each moment, move within that moment, and try not to forecast future catastrophes. I can't waste energy focusing on where I've been, and I can't control what's coming up next, so this present moment is all I've got. I'm going to keep working to stay within it and see if that helps stabilize this pesky mood of mine.

As far as treatment goes, I had my last ECT treatment today. Again, I would have hoped for a shinier outcome, but what I've got is what I've got. My mood is somewhat improved but not back to where I would like it to be. On a scale of 0-10, with 10 being fabulous, I'm somewhere around a four. I can function at a 4/10, but it takes extra effort and energy. I'm aiming for a return to work next week, at least part-time, and I think that may help me feel more useful and productive. It would have been nice if the ECT treatments had carried me a little further along the road to recovery, but their effectiveness seems to have worn down over time. Anything I can do to help myself, like return to work, or anything I can accomplish at this point in time will be beneficial, I think. I'm focusing forward and hoping for the light to return to my days.

This is a nasty illness. I so empathize with all of you out there struggling to make it through, whether that means getting out of bed, taking a shower, going off to work, or meeting family obligations. Whatever you're doing, keep doing it. Take the steps forward. One step at a time, keep moving forward. I'm convinced that's the only way to defeat this diabolical demon we call depression--by stomping right through the middle of it. Carry on, my friends.


HBF said...

Stomping along with ya. One hour at a time (hell, sometimes one minute at a time!). Keep on. Thinking of you.

Paul said...

After all that you've been through, you're still able to give encouragement to others. You are one of the strongest people I know.

Jim Work said...

E...There's no place like home. Glad you're there and while it seems overwhelming, you are a get back on your feet girl. One step at a time, ez does it. There is no rush for any of us to get where we think we need to be. Glad you are home!.........en theos.....jas L

Anonymous said...

Etta - you are amazing. You'll find your way through this.