Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Not feeling well

It's difficult to imagine feeling much worse. My body aches with emotional pain. Depression--thick and heavy--has a stranglehold on my soul. It takes all my energy to move within my home from one room to the next. Laundry, my task for today, will be an all day affair. It hurts to breathe.

It hurts to breathe. If I wasn't experiencing it myself, I wouldn't believe it possible. It's difficult to imagine feeling much worse. It's also hard to imagine feeling more debilitated by this illness. I am useless, hopeless, and discouraged.

I am at a loss as to what to do next. It's hard to think when expending so much energy just staying alive. I am literally living one moment to the next here. This is not how I want to live, but this is what I've got right now. I'm tired, but I'm still standing. I'll keep doing my best while praying for relief.


Anonymous said...

I wish there was something I could do to help.

I am in my own deep, bleak space and finally have a weekend long enough to take some seroquel, which will knock me out for 24-48 hours at a time. For me, hospitalization nearly always makes the depression and suicidality worse so an admission seems nearly a guarantee of suicide.

One minute at a time. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

My mental health isn't perfect, but if I could exchange even one of your days with one of mine to give you some respite, I would do it without hesitation.

Anonymous said...

so so sorry. I feel your pain. Have been there and remember how awful it can be. Praying for your relief- wish as Paul said we could exchange moments of relief with you.

Amy said...

bless you, Etta. I feel the agony through your words. Hang in there.

Just hang in there. It will get better.

Anonymous said...

If I lived close I would help make a room pretty for you, surrounding beauty is delightful when a mood sucks. Arms wide open and raised to the sky, I wish you inner peace and joy.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ella, I'm so glad I found your blog! Of course I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. My troubles are nothing in comparison. But reading your words really helps me. I'm not good with words but reading your blog, there are so many times where I think 'Yes, that's how I feel too'. I hope you keep on writing and I look forward to every post. And I hope the darkness will lift very soon. Keep up the fight. From a fellow runner.

Unknown said...

Ella, this is the third time I have tried to respond to your post, possibly due to my lack of technical skill my response doesn't seem to get printed. I will try again with your next post. Thinking of you and so wishing you well. Nathalie

Unknown said...

Oh good my previous post did print so I will continue. Ella, you have worked so hard to promote your recovery back to mental health it must be very frustrating and diisappointing when improvement seems elusive.You will recover, as you know but from your words you are in an agonising place right now. I wish you well from the bottom of my heart. Yes it's baby steps moment to moment just to keep going; and you can do it no matter how long each step takes. Your online friends are here for you, understanding, empathising caring and supporting..

Unknown said...

I can somewhat relate to this. Recently I am at a loss of what to do when I'm not working or have schoolwork to do. I'm tired and exhausted all the time, even though I slept for ten hours the night before. Losing interest in daily activities, or even finding them to be a nuisance, is something I find myself feeling like.