Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Unrelenting sadness

My depression is a multifaceted illness. Emotions run the gamut from hopelessness to irritation to numbness. The overriding emotion over the past 4-5 days, however, has been unrelenting, discouraging and debilitating sadness. I am just sad. I've been sad all weekend. I can't shake the sadness.

I continue to receive treatment in my local inpatient psychiatric unit. I had another ECT treatment this morning. Yet here I sit, sad as ever. The sadness permeates through me and from me. It feels like it fills my soul. Sadness makes my movements slow, my speech limited, and my processing of information stunted. It's a little unreal. The world is moving about me, but I'm existing in a weird state of suspended animation within it.

I'm praying for a lift in my mood. I'm praying for some light to pierce the darkness. I'm praying the interventions we're employing make a difference soon. I'm tired. I'm tired of feeling slow and sad. I'm tired of living in this artificial environment. I'm tired of battling this illness with little to show for the fight. Success would be a nice change of pace. Eventually, the sadness must abate. I'd like the sadness to abate.


Anonymous said...

Sadness is the most consistent manifestation of my depression. Constant, unrelenting sadness. I've felt it, more or less, for 48 years, and in recent years it has grown more intense. I can certainly empathize with your state of mind right now.

I hope you get better soon.

Camille said...

I'm so sorry to hear you aren't feeling well, Etta, but I'm proud of you for getting the help you need. I too have depression and I know that, at times, it can be really tough to deal with. Try to do things you once loved to distract yourself, keep taking good care of yourself, and know that this is temporary. Things WILL get better. I so appreciate you sharing your story with the world. Thinking of you and sending you love and prayers. <3

Anonymous said...

Reading about how hard it has been for you the last few weeks makes me wish that I
could offer you a magic and instant way to make it all better now! I know only too well
there isn't -- depression is just that unfair ---and all that can be done is just what you
are doing: taking good care of yourself and getting the help you need. Thanks for
continuing to share your experiences during this hard time and I look forward to
following your story when your prayers are answered and the sadness lifts, as I know it
will. I am so grateful to count myself among your community of readers; I have learned
so much and have been inspired by your openness. May you return soon to your home
and the things you love.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say that you probably haven't heard before. But please hang in there. You are a remarkably strong woman. You can do this. Maybe it helps to think about your long runs. After the first few miles we want to stop. But then we keep going... And keep going.... And keep going. You can do this.

Unknown said...

Etta, the eloquence and clarity with which you express your experience of this wretched illness is impressive (though I know you are not setting to impress) considering what you are going through. I understand that each person who suffers in this way goes through their own individual experience. Yet I find the way you articulate what you are going through speaks to me and for me in all sorts of ways and I find it helps me to feel less isolated. I feel a great inner strength coming from you ( though you may not be aware of it yourself right now). I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time and I certainly empathise with you. You have made a huge effort (as is your way) to work at your recovery and I believe that it will pay off in spite of the understandable frustration you must be feeling about not experiencing current reward for all your hard work. It will happen, Etta. All your friends are rooting for you big time.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I wonder if we haven't allowed some genuine grieving for losses along the way, even small ones, that somehow accumulate until we tumble over ourselves into depression, bottomless self loathing and sadness.

Aside from of course the physical components and lack of electrical connections and certainly knowing the disease, I just hope we have moments of loving kindness if we can, along the way. . I really want you to feel the love, Etta. This culture seems so shallow and perfectionistic about things that don't really matter at times. Being kind seems more important than being what people are tauting as "good" with such punitive judgment.

I hope you get a lightness to your moments and some inner relief, now. Loving you, Irene.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you... you are so brave to share what you are going through and it is a service to all of us. Praying for relief for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Thought of you today and what you are going through. Hang in there!