Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Laying low

It's been a painful couple of days here. I had oral surgery on Tuesday morning to uncover, again, an embedded canine tooth that we've been trying to pull down into position for almost one year. The permanent tooth never came in, and the 46-year old baby tooth finally had to be pulled last year. After cutting away the gum tissue over the permanent tooth on Tuesday, the oral surgeon found that the permanent tooth was re-encased in bone. The surgeon cleared away the bone, quite a violent little process, in order to loosen the tooth again in hopes that we'll be able to pull it into place.

The tooth is connected to my braces with a bracket and chain. The braces are supposed to be the anchor which pulls the tooth down. These are the braces that have already been in place as long as planned, and we're nowhere near the end of this process. In fact, the likely scenario at this point in time is that the embedded canine will not move, the surgeon was not optimistic, which means it will need to be pulled (another surgery), and an $3000+ implant will need to be placed in the open space (more surgery). If I had to do it over again, I wouldn't.

Needless to say, I've been in a bit of pain since the surgery. I've needed to do a lot of resting. Resting, combined with my disappointment with the way this process has played out has not been good for my mood. I'm trying so hard to keep my head above water mentally, but my body seems to be in revolt. It's been a tough year, and it doesn't seem to have an end of sight. Hip surgery, oral surgery, Achilles tendon, pneumonia, asthma...I'm not sure I can handle much more.

I'm hanging in there, I guess, but I'm really frustrated. And so much is yet unknown. Will the Achilles ever heal so I may run again? Will I continue to have trouble with my asthma and require more and more medication? When, at what cost, and after how many more surgeries, will I have a full set of teeth back in my mouth? I realize I'm creeping up on 50 years here, and perhaps I'm feeling sorry for myself, but c'mon. I'd really like something to break my way soon.

Don't get me wrong, I know things could be worse. I'm just getting tired of the physical battle. I'm grateful my mood has not crumbled, but I worry the continued physical stress will eventually take me down. I don't want that to happen. I'm trying to stay as positive as I can. I'm trying to quell the anxiety of the unknown by continuing to move forward. It's tough. It's a battle. I know I've got to keep fighting, but phew, this battle, I fear, is wearing me out.


Anonymous said...

I didn't even start running until I was 53 years old. And before that I was seriously overweight. Don't think that approaching 50 is a reason to believe the past is past. I'm a big believer in reinventing one's self. Soon enuf all of this will be behind you, and you can become whatever person you really want yourself to be.

Anonymous said...

Well Paul, that was an nspiring comment to read. Here's to both you and Etta, cheers!irene

HBF said...

"I'd really like something to break my way soon."

I so feel you and I'm sorry to hear about all the oral mischief (wow, that sounds a lot more fun than I mean!) and all the rest. You have had more than a full plate this year, like a buffet of crappy "have to get through this now" and you've been forced back to take on more than your fair share. But, we all know this, life isn't fair. I so wish that it was but I can only hope that things turn up for you and that this is just a little (well, BIG) bump in the road of your life before some smooth trail.

Please consider my perspective, and that is that you are not only a kind, caring, worthwhile person but someone with the odds stacked against them (serious depression is a pretty big challenge etc.) and yet you are here after multiple surgeries, hospitalizations, intensive treatments for your depression, pneumonia, asthma, and then injuries on top of that-all of that and you are still plowing forward. It's gotta feel terrible but I tell you what, it looks magnificent. It might not feel like you're making progress, but I see it and I applaud you.

On a lighter note, I also have a baby tooth that never budged! It's a molar on my lower left side. I do not think that I have a grown-up tooth below it, but after reading this post I am compelled to verify this with my dentist as it seems the big teeth can hide out! Ya learn something new everyday.

Sending you strength, courage, and hope and thoughts of fuzzy socks and warm fireplaces and delicious creamed soups :)

You can. You are. Thank you for being you and thank you for sharing, I really, truly hear you :)

etta said...

@HBF: Wow, after an unbelievably horrible, stressful day due to another major dental issue on the other side of my mouth...I really needed to hear what you wrote. Thank you so much.

Llewelyn Simon said...

Tooth pain is some of the worst pain out there. And it sucks that you're knocked of your feet. I'm recovering from plantar fasciitis right now, lugging a boot around on my foot, and I hate feeling so limited. The good thing about physical ailments though is that time normally heals.... It just sucks that it takes so MUCH time. I don't have anything uplifting to offer, so I'm just going to commiserate. Feel better soon!

Anonymous said...

I have just discovered your blog and find it very touching. I see we have many things in common as I too suffer from depression and love to write. One of my major bouts with depression seemed to be caused by the stress from a major foot surgery. I never thought something like that would trigger a depressive episode. I am very shy about using the computer and just started learning about blogging as a means to connect with others so I apologize for sending this anonymously but please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Never give up.