Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, November 20, 2015

Two Minutes

I'm happy to report that I'm now up to 2 minutes of running at a time. I returned to running November 2nd by walking 5 minutes and jogging 1 minute, five times. Since then I've run 3 times per week. I've slowly increased the running time, and pace, while decreasing the walking time. Tonight I walked 3 minutes and ran 2 minutes, eight times, for a total of 16 minutes of running. The highest number of total minutes I've run so far is only 22 minutes. It's not a lot, but it's better than not running at all!

So far my right Achilles is holding up okay. It's not perfect. I can still feel some tenderness, which is a little discouraging, but I'm not having any pain, which is encouraging. I'm hopeful I'll be able to continue progressing without re-injuring it. In fact, I'm so hopeful I've already signed up for Grandmas Marathon in June, 2016. It's a long way off, so I have plenty of time to be patient and advance slowly. Patience, however, is not my best quality. I'll do my best.

In other news, work continues to go well. My brain gets a little mushy toward the end of a long day, and I'm tired when I get home, but so far I'm tolerating the schedule fairly well. Could I tolerate more? That is the current question, as my employer wants to make this a permanent gig.

I am currently an on-call employee. I control my schedule. I usually work less than 25 hours per week. I've worked on-call or part-time ever since I returned to work after getting sick 15 years ago. The primary benefit is being able to decide where, when and for how many hours I work. But I don't have any benefits. I don't get any paid time off. And when the patient census is low, and the nursing facility is slow, there is no guarantee of working at all. I don't have a set schedule or guaranteed income.

Now my employer is offering me a full-time, at least 30-hours per week, position. I'd have a set schedule and familiar patients. I'd have health insurance and paid time off and all the other benefits of full-time employment. But can I handle that? The thought of it frightens me. I'm not sure I'd be able to do it. They want me to decide within the next 2 weeks so I could start in December.

It's a lot to think about. I'd be giving up a lot of freedom, which comes in handy when I'm not doing well, but I might be gaining a lot of security and stability. I really don't know what to do. There are pros and cons to each situation. I'll have to sort it out, but right now, I'm totally unsure and undecided. It's a great opportunity. I just don't know if I should take it.


Anonymous said...

I'm glad to hear you're able to get back into running again. I'm resting right now since my left hamstring is still sore from that marathon of a month ago. Every time I went out for a few miles, I seemed to re-injure it.

Perhaps among the health benefits of "actual" employment would be short- and long-term disability. That would give you some economic security if you have episodes down the road.

I can't decide for you, of course, but I'm glad you have a choice.

Anna said...

Hi Etta, I am so glad that running is going well and work too! I know the decision is a tricky one, but I trust that you will make the right choice for you. Your posts are so helpful to so many of us. The recent comments about your brain slowing down in the afternoon is one that I particularly relate to. Please share any suggestions you may have!! Best of luck!! Anna

The Warrior Within said...

Push the self doubt aside, knowing that's depression trying to get a word in edgewise and sabotage a good thing. Give yourself the opportunity to be more. Be compassionate and kind to yourself. Hear only the inner voice that says: You are stronger and more powerful than you want to imagine. The winning is in the trying,the race not entered won't be won.

Anonymous said...

I don't really understand your dilemma - if you try this new job arrangement and it does not work for you, you can probably relatively easily always go back to the old arrangement, or not?

etta said...

@ anonymous: It is a little more complicated than that, and there is no guarantee of going back to the old arrangement if this new position doesn't work out.

Rachel T. said...

Hi. I'm glad to come across your blog. I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression only a month ago. It hit me out of the blue. I have a great life, family, friends, husband and job. Nothing bad or traumatic happened. I woke up on a Sunday and haven't had a good day since then. I work full time and have only missed two days of work due to this but it is so scary. Mornings are the worst and today was exceptionally bad. Hysterical crying and thoughts of "how do I live like this? When is it going to get better??"

nyawela_soandso said...

I'm so happy that you're able to get back into your running. From previous post I know you were pretty discouraged. And working too? Awesome! It's pretty scary going from a flex position to full time. Are they willing to give you part time hours and just hire another part time person?