Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Should I be concerned?

I've been having some tough days. My fatigue level continues to climb and it is now affecting my functioning and my mood. My mood has definitely taken a dive toward the bottom of a very dark pool, and I'm not sure how long I can hold my breath. I'm feeling the all too familiar signs of depression sneaking in.

First those familiar symptoms were presenting themselves one at a time, but over the last two days they seem to have been settling in en masse. My mood is low. My energy is low. My thinking is off. My motivation sucks. I want to sleep all the time, yet my nighttime sleep is disrupted. It's difficult to face the day. It takes everything I have to put on my therapist role at work. I'm overwhelmed with simple tasks. Things aren't getting done. And I don't like being out in public. I'm a little worried.

I hope acknowledging the symptoms here, writing them down, and reminding myself they are just symptoms of this chronic illness will help. Experiencing the symptoms today doesn't necessarily mean a full blown, long, drawn out depression relapse is on the horizon. Staying aware of and on top of the symptoms may allow me to put up the fight I need to keep my head above water. Drowning is not a foregone conclusion, right?

Yes, I am concerned. Scared, even. But I've been here before. I've had struggles that were just that, short-lived, temporary struggles. I need to keep pushing myself forward through the morass. I know I won't feel better if I pack it all in, lie on the sofa, eat pints of ice cream, and set myself up with back to back to back Law and Order reruns, even though that's what I really want to do. I know I can do better than that.

Tomorrow is another day. I hope a better, lighter day. I will do what I can. Thanks for listening, my friends.


Selmene said...

Excellent post, thanks

Anonymous said...

I wish I had answers for you (or me), but I don't. Actually, I take a lot of direction about how to deal with my own depression from you. I do wish I could help somehow though.

The Real McCoy said...

I really feel for you. I have been in that low place many times before. Do I recall you writing once that you have sleep apnea? I ask because I've recently started treatment for it and noticed an enormous improvement in my mood. Certainly this is not going to be the solution for everyone (even for me, while treating the apnea is helping my depression, I am still on medication and seeing a therapist), but it is worth considering. Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

Sitting on the couch eating pints of ice cream might not be so bad. Don't forget to treat yourself and do things you enjoy when you have time to do so :)

HBF said...

We're here for you. Pints of ice cream or miles of runs, we're here. Thank for you so wonderfully expressing the reality of living with these disorders! You capture the fear and the worry and confusion so well. I know it sucks. Sometimes we just have to wait and see. I hope for the best for you. <3

Anonymous said...

I hope noting when its "future dread" and noting small moments and temporary symptoms will move you beyond being mired.

Just reacting to the situation at hand, so you're not drained for the next, so you can deal with your sweet slobbering dog friend and perform at work without the heavy energy drain.

Just read Anne Lamott's, "my mind is a bad neighborhood I try not to go into alone.". Like you said, symptoms don't have to mean full blown

Hope you have the balance you need to coast

Anonymous said...

Something some people find helpful at times . Just the words,

"First thought wrong . "

Anonymous said...

I am really sorry you are experiencing this %6%4#%% illness...

On a completely different tangent would you consider adds for your blog? I know you blog helps enormous numbers of people and adds might be a way for you to draw some passive income from it.

etta said...

Thank you all for your comments and support. Things continue to be tough, but I'm still putting one foot in front of the other.
@ The Real McCoy: Yes, I do have sleep apnea, and I have used CPAP therapy for a couple years. It has helped with my overall fatigue. I don't need nearly as many naps as previously. My mood may or may not have been helped. Hard to tell.

Anonymous said...

I've never seen a more perfect description of what the onset of a depressive episode feels like. Not wanting to be out in public! Exactly! Simple tasks feel monumental. Sending you positive vibes.

Nathalie said...

Thinking of you Etta and sending you positive thoughts. I am currently coping with yet another episode of severe depression and your expression 'still putting one foot in front of the other' is so brave of you and helpful to me.