Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

A little flat

Things are going fairly well here lately. Life is stable. I'm feeling okay. I'd like to feel better than okay, but that's not yet my reality. I'm definitely still feeling better and functioning better than last month, but I think I'm a little flat. I feel dulled, if that makes any sense.

It's probably hyper-critical of me to be complaining about feeling flat. And I don't mean to complain. I am grateful last month's 3-4 week depression dip was arrested when it was. I am doing well, especially when compared to that time. I guess I'm just not back to 100% yet, and I've been hanging out here for about 3 weeks now.

My mood is good, but not great. My energy is improved, but not normal. I'm getting things done, but not everything. I'm functioning at work, but I could be doing better. I've put in the work, scaled the rock face, and I'm approaching the summit. I'm hanging on the precipice, but I can't quite boost myself up the last few feet. It's there. I can see it. But it's out of reach. I'm just shy of feeling normal.

It's strange feeling this way. I don't remember having this issue in the past. Flat. And again, I feel a little ashamed to even mention it. I know things could be so, so much worse! I'm talking with my doctor, we're tinkering with my meds, and I'm continuing to put one foot in front of the other. I'm moving forward.

I'll try to quit worrying about feeling flat. Focusing forward and remembering to maintain an attitude of gratitude is what I think I need to do now. After all, I have many blessings in my life today. I'm glad to be functioning well, and I'm happy my mood has rebounded. Feeling okay is better than not okay any day of the week. I'll keep taking the actions I can take. Hopefully the rest will follow.


Anonymous said...

Shoot! Flat is my normal.

Jim said...

Etta....I am so flat right now you could bury me in an envelope. Had to put my best friend my 11 year old Aussie Clovis down last week. I don't think I will ever get over this empty feeling.....peace.....jasL

etta said...

@paullamb: I'm sorry. I'll pray we both see a change soon.

@Jim: I am so, so sorry! I went through that with my beloved lab, Puck, 3.5 years ago. I, too, did not think I would ever get through it. I did, but it sucks. My heart goes out to you. Please take good care of yourself.

Grace Wisdom said...

Thanks Gretta! I appreciate everything you write. I have started a blog and made two posts so far. I am going to keep trying. It helps me to go back and read what I've read. I fight depression and anxiety, and reading your blog really helps!