Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, May 13, 2016

Change...not a fan

I am a lucky woman. I believe I have the best treatment team around. When my depression sucks me under, my team of expert providers (and a few incredible friends) keep me afloat until I once again can swim. They are incredible at what they do. I count on and trust each of them.

One of those experts is my social worker, SM. She and I were connected more than 12 years ago. Since that time, she's been a crucial cog in the wheel. She's helped me connect with other providers, navigate the non-user-friendly Social Security Disability system, find unknown resources, listened, advised, and listened some more. I don't know what I would do without her.

Unfortunately, I'm going to find out exactly what I'm going to do without her. My social worker is leaving. She told me a few days ago she's taking another job. My heart sank. Did I mention I hate change? Initially I panicked. Then I got really sad. Then I panicked. Then I got really sad, again. This was big, big unwelcome news. And this will be a huge unwelcome change.

I don't like change. I like my pleasantly boring, stable life. I feel safe with my current treatment team. I knew someday this would happen. But I always figured I would be the one leaving, you know, like after I got better and didn't need the help? My social worker leaving just wasn't in my plans.

Thankfully, SM knows me so well she gave me a month to digest the news, but as of early June, she will be done. We talked for two hours on Wednesday, our last meeting together. We decided to close my case rather than SM assigning me a new social worker. I don't have the energy to get to know a new person. I'm not a fan of letting just anyone into the nitty-gritty details of my life, and I'm even less enthusiastic about feeling vulnerable with someone I barely know. So I'm going forward with one less team member.

It will be okay. That's what everyone, friends and professionals, have said. I will be okay. Of course I will. I'll get through this, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. In fact, I don't like it. Selfishly, I wish SM wasn't going anywhere. I'll miss her kindness, professionalism, work ethic, compassion, and expertise. She has been an amazing social worker but an even more incredible human being. Thank you, SM. I'll miss you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love your blog. I just read through many of your posts. Thank you for sharing your story. I do have to say I think you are so hard on yourself:) Being a PT is a demanding job physically and mentally. Let yourself rest and don't beat yourself up over being too tired to exercise or do housework after a shift. REST!!! I'm a nurse and am so wiped after a 36 hour work week. I've learned to be gentle with myself when it comes to the extra stuff (housework, errands, exercise, socializing). Please keep posting. I love hearing your story.