Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Motivation lacking

I'm in a weird space. My mood is fine, but I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing. And this has been going on for 4-5 days now. In fact, I'd been planning to write in this blog for 3 straight days, and I've got several ideas swirling about my head, but each time I sat down to write, I quickly quit. No mojo. Just didn't feel like it.

This feeling of not wanting to do anything has begun each day at sun up and lasted until sun down. I've had tremendous difficulty getting out of bed for the last 4 days. I've had trouble waking up. That's not typical. I even contemplated calling in late to work once or twice just so I could stay in bed. That's not like me.

I've worked my scheduled shifts, but even there, I've wanted to cut corners. I haven't cut corners, but it concerns me that I wanted to. Unusual. I've forced myself to exercise most days, but I totally skipped it a couple of days ago. Didn't feel like it. I knew I should go, but I couldn't overcome the inertia, so I didn't go.

I skipped one of my regular meetings earlier this week. Didn't want to bother. Instead, I snoozed in my chair. I never fall asleep sitting up! Weird. And don't get me started on all of the chores I'm letting slide. My neighbors may call the authorities if I don't mow my yard soon. Oh well.

I'm not used to feeling so consistently unmotivated. Not when I'm otherwise feeling well, that is. It's fairly normal to have low motivation when my mood is suffering, but it's not typical when I'm feeling okay. I'm not sure what's going on. I'm not thrilled with it either. I don't like feeling unproductive. I don't like leaving things for tomorrow, and tomorrow, and then tomorrow again. It's frustrating and strange.

I don't know why I'm feeling like this, but I also know I don't need to figure it out. Thank God, because I don't have the motivation to do that either! This too shall pass, I hope.


Kristen Vaughn said...

Thank you for being so real about what you face on a daily basis! We are very similar! I am also a young women who loves distance running and suffers from major depression. I've honestly been too exhausted to run, which is what I love the most, because of my continuous battle. Some days are better than others, and this post just reassures me that I'm not going through anything alone. I lack motivation all the time, even when my mood is fine, and it really bothers me because I don't know how I can be productive. I'm so tired of people calling me lazy too! I wish more people would understand this debilitating disease.

Grace Wisdom said...

This sounds like a symptom of the depression. I also suffer from depression, and this happens to me. Make sure you speak to your team and come up with a plan. I know how hard it is, but make sure you do that exercising every day. It will help so much! I say this, but of course, I have a hard time sticking to this, as well. Best of Luck! Much love! Thank you for your blog. It helps me immensely! I view you as a role model. You are not perfect (none of us are), but you persevere. You learn from your failures, and you keep on trucking. Just put one foot in front of the other. Keep going. That is also what my plan is! Thank you again!

etta said...

@ Kristen and Grace: Thank you so much for your comments. I thought this was just a blah, boring post, but you both reminded me why I write this little blog. I never know when I am going to touch someone. I'm glad you both found some value in my words. I am humbled by your thoughtful, encouraging comments. Thank you.

HBF said...

I am also grateful you posted this, I so relate to stalling out like this and understand what you mean about not having to figure it all out-sometimes getting wrapped up in sorting everything out just makes it worse! I hope it passes and cheerier days find you, find all of us really :o)

Anonymous said...

Yes, it was very helpful, as were the comments. Thanks all. Irene

Anna said...

Etta, You just described much of my Spring this year. Like you, I made it to work, but accomplished little else. Exercise was exhausting. Please talk with your wonderful team! I'm in great shape now, but the summer didn't start well at all. Yet another trip down an all too familiar, very dark road...thank you for sharing. All the best to you.

Marta said...

Hi Etta,

thanks for sharing. It's good to know that I'm not alone.... Depression sucked the whole motivation out of me too. I miss the feeling of excitement. I keep doing what I ought to do, but feel utterly bored with life most of the time. Routine is lethal... I wonder how I can break free.

Take care,