Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, July 11, 2016

Regret?

It's the day after the weekend of my 30th high school reunion. I didn't go. From the looks of it, via Facebook, I missed a lot of fun. Does Facebook ever make anyone feel good? Anyway, today I am feeling a bit of regret.

To go or not to go was a really tough decision. It was complicated. As I wrote in an earlier post, I was worried about all of my lost memories from those days. That worry was confirmed when I didn't recognize 90% of the people in the photos on Facebook. Yes, part of the reason was everyone looked different at age 48 than they did at 18, but I didn't recognize most of the names either! I figured at least their names would be familiar, but most of them weren't. That was strange and disconcerting.

My other consideration regarding going or not going was the fact that I actually didn't graduate with my class. After my suicide attempt 3/4 of the way into my junior year, I went to live in a foster home in another town. I missed my senior year with the classmates I had been with since junior high school. And although I was included in the class reunion Facebook group, I wasn't sure how I'd be accepted. Seems silly to be worried about fitting in 30 years later, but it was a factor in my decision not to attend.

Another factor which I weighed heavily was what I perceived to be a large focus on alcohol. In the lead up to the weekend, many Facebook posts focused on drinking, partying, and getting drunk. I'm sober, but my concern was not at all that I'd be tempted to drink. I was, however, concerned I might be bored, uncomfortable, or just not have much fun.

Since getting sober, I haven't found attending parties where people are doing a lot of celebratory drinking very interesting for very long. I'm not a prude, but sometimes it is challenging to be the only one not uninhibited in a room full of uninhibited people. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. It's just not interesting or even fun after awhile.

Despite all these reservations, I was still contemplating attending right up until last Friday, which was the first day of the reunion. I considered driving up late Friday night or early Saturday morning in order to attend the Saturday activities, of which there were many. And perhaps if the reunion hadn't been at least 4 hours away, I would have gone. In the end, I decided the time and effort of getting there and back, on a congested, construction-zone-riddled highway, in combination with all my other reservations about attending; it just wasn't worth it.

Of course I then spent the last three days looking at continually updated Facebook posts. Their pictures conveyed loads of fun and a fair amount of alcohol. Their words confirmed they not only had a blast, they were grateful for the time together. The words of my classmates, more than their pictures, made me think twice about the decision I made not to attend.

I'll never know if I would have had fun and felt included, or if I would have been disinterested and felt uncomfortable. The right decision? Who knows... But I am feeling a bit of regret.

2 comments:

paullamb said...

I did go to my 35th HS reunion, mostly out of curiosity than desire. It was just dinner at a restaurant with 7 of the 10 of us. (Yeah, a very small class.) I was something of an outsider back in the day and certainly and outsider 35 years later. I went again last year but only because they arranged the date to suit me since I would be coming in from out of town. I really had no desire to see the old gang again, but I figure if they keep scheduling these to meet my schedule, I won't have any excuse not to go.

Ela said...

HS reunions imho are just an excuse to show off how 'successful' you've become since you last saw each other. Facebook gives us all those FOMO feels - you're not alone in that :)



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