Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

More difficult

It's been a tough week. My mood continues to decline. Monster fatigue has set in. Everything I do is more difficult. Everything. Big things, obvious things, like work, take more energy, mental fortitude, and patience than I have right now. Running is also more difficult. I'm so tired I need to nap before I go for a run. My legs feel like lead during my run so even a slow pace feels like a sprint. And then I'm exhausted afterward and practically fall asleep standing up. So my 4 mile run tonight, in total, took 3 hours rather then 36 minutes. Everything requires more time and effort when my mood is low.

But it's not just the big, obvious things which are more challenging. Small, less obvious things are difficult, too, when I don't feel well. I have routines which make my life more simple. When I feel low, I get out of those routines. For example, last night I didn't set out my breakfast food, or make my lunch, or even pick out which clothes I was going to wear today. I do each of those things nightly in order to make my mornings go more smoothly and simply. Well, guess what? This morning was more difficult. It wasn't simple. And it wasn't simple because I was unable to find the energy last night to do what I typically do. Seems like a little thing, but it's another example of how everything gets more difficult when my mood is low.

Depression manifests in so many ways. Making life more difficult is the manifestation I'm noticing today. Despite the heaviness, the brain fog, and the fatigue, I at least made it to work and continued to run this week. But that's about it. Meetings, socializing, errands, and chores...not in the cards right now. I know getting out, socializing, and getting stuff done would probably help my mood, but I just can't right now. I can only do what I can do, and I'm at that limit. I'm hoping for a reprieve soon.

1 comment:

HBF said...

I so feel ya on depression upsetting routine. It's a double-whammy in the worst way. I am encouraged to read that you're able to recognize this and I hope things turn up again soon. I myself was in a terrible spin-out the last few days and had moments when I didn't have that perspective, I think you know what I mean. I hope it doesn't get there for you. This is such a tricky disease. Sending you hope and strength-you've been down and up before, I know you'll make it back again <3