Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Alone

I'm frustrated. I'm going to New York City in a few weeks, alone. My Minnesota Lynx are playing in game 5, the final game, of the WNBA Championship in a couple of days, and I want to go. But if I go, I'll go alone. There's a fabulous concert coming up I'd like to attend. I'm not going. I decided not to go because I don't want to go alone.

I have nothing against being alone. I spend most of my time alone, and that's actually how I prefer it. I choose to run alone 99% of the time. I frequently travel alone. I go out to eat alone. I've even gone to movies alone. But sometimes it is nice to share experiences with others.

The problem is I'm not all that social. I really only have a few, okay 3, close friends. And while I love and value my friends, having so few friends is not conducive to finding a companion for outings. At least that's what I've discovered recently. It doesn't help that I'm single and all of my friends are married with children. They've already got busy schedules and in-house companions. Even if they'd like to socialize, it's often difficult for them to find time.

So despite asking various friends to accompany me on outings lately, it hasn't worked out. I'm frustrated. It would be fun to share New York with a friend, to attend the WNBA Championship, to go to the concert with someone, but I've not been able to find anyone free to join me. I'm not frustrated with my friends. I'm more frustrated with myself for having such a small circle.

My frustration has led me to question my current path. The self-analysis has not been kind. I must need more friends, I think, but that seems like a really tall order. Why is it a tall order? Why don't I have more friends? Is there something wrong with me? Do I have trust issues? On and on I go. It's not pretty.

I don't know the answers to the questions, and I'm trying not to spend a lot of time contemplating them. While I wish I had companions to accompany me at my whim, that's obviously not reality. I love and value my friends. I love and value them regardless of if they can attend a basketball game or not. And while I'm frustrated with my lack of playmates, I'm apparently not frustrated enough to change it (i.e. develop more close relationships) yet. So I guess I should stop complaining now...

5 comments:

Ela said...

I hope you are feeling better! I dunno what to say, I just wanted to comment to make you feel less alone. :*

Anonymous said...

I am the same - I love being alone- but the reality is, I also need people. I have heard great things about meetup.com?

You may feel alone, but you are inspiring many with your blog. We are part of your "tribe"!.

Anonymous said...

This sounds familiar. Having more friends would be nice but the thought of making the effort that's required to keep a friendship running smoothly is overwhelming. On days that I feel good and think I'm winning the battle against depression I'm reminded that I'm not since I would rather not touch base with those people who I really truly love. It's extremely frustrating.

Julie Gathman said...

Thanks, this was a very interesting post (and a topic I don't think you've discussed before). I believe that past times, places, and cultures brought people more naturally into contact with their communities. I agree that in our life today, keeping friends is a constant effort, and if I don't make the effort, I will have no one I am connected to.

Mark said...

I am sorry that you always have to be alone. I know how you feel and it's not always a good feeling. Why not just have a day when you just go outside and just talk some random persons. You don't have to even be there friends although you will automatically find some good friends.


But I have known persons who live there life alone and they got on quite perfectly. I also kind of agree with you on getting in touch with your friends part. It's pretty hard at times because right now, we are more busier than ever and distractions are everywhere that can soak up our precious time.



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