Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Tired and Frustrated

I've written about this before, but it's what's happening right now, so bear with me. I've been working more often lately, more days and more hours, and I'm wiped out. This frustrates me because I don't think I should feel so worn out when I'm not even working full time hours. I know that may be a bit harsh, but I can't help it. That's how I feel.

Before this illness struck I worked full time. Since I've had depression, however, part time is my max. That's frustrating. My life would certainly be easier if I was able to work more hours than I do now. I'd be less financially challenged and probably have less stress. But even with that incentive sitting out there tantalizing me, I don't do well when I work more.

I don't regularly work more than 3-4 days per week. My typical weekly schedule is Monday, Wednesday and Friday plus an additional one or two Saturdays per month. It's not a lot. I know. I'm embarrassed to even admit that meager schedule. But when I work more hours or more often, my brain can't keep up. I get really tired.

I'm tired now. Tired is not good for my mood. I could have worked today, but I had to turn down the opportunity. I worked 5 days two weeks ago followed by 4 days last week, and they were long days. By yesterday afternoon I was physically and mentally exhausted. That led to an evening vegging on the sofa rather than exercising. I ran today, because that's a priority in my life, but my training suffers when I feel so wiped out. That's not good for my mood, either.

So far, thankfully, my mood is holding steady. I'm hoping to stick to my 3-day schedule this week in order to regain some energy. But dammit, why can't I work more? Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to be working. I love what I do. And I'm grateful I can survive and even play a little on the income I earn. I'm very fortunate in that regard. My life is good. I just wish working more than usual didn't exhaust me. That would be nice.


Katy said...


I am so impressed with your running and your honesty about everything. I have written to you for. I also struggle with depression and anxiety. It is refreshing to read your different posts and see that someone else understands. I'm so sorry that you have to experience depression in order to understand, but by sharing it, you have really helped me! I tried to like your blog today with, but it didn't work. I may just have a bad connection where I am. I'll try again from home.

I understand what you are saying about work. I actually took the day off yesterday, today and tomorrow to participate in my daughter's field trips. These are cool field trips where we are outside most of the time in the swamp/marsh around New Orleans. They rescheduled tomorrow which threw me off a bit. I had to decide what do I do? Do I go into work since they rescheduled the day to Friday, etc. I finally decided I had to go into work. Although work leaves me exhausted, I find my mind does not do well when I have too much free time. I have to have a schedule to follow. I do better when I keep my mind busy. It would be nice to some day be okay with a couple of hours of free time. Instead, I usually feel a panic rise. I can function on the outside, but it is necessary for me to be around others to force myself to do things such as....not stay in bed.

Oh well, I don't let myself stay in bed; it is just what I want to do. Right now, I would love it if I could NOT sleep 12 hours a night. I always get exhausted and go to bed by 8PM. Then I sleep in until at least 6:30 or 7:00Am by which point I have to race to get ready to go to work.

Keep up the running. You are my inspiration. I just recently lost 27 pounds. I had taken Abilify over a bad stretch, and I gained so much weight. I was already a little overweight, but the abilify made it worse! I don't know if you have experienced abilify. It worked for a few months. Then it made me incredibly paranoid. I don't take it anymore. I love to run. Right now I am walking/running. I did a 10 mile walk/run last weekend. It was great. It is essential to my mental health. Essential! However, I let other obligations (2 kids, husband, work, etc) take up my time sometimes. I am terrible at waking up. Then to get up early and run? I can do it if someone meets me.

Thank you for listening to my rambling.

Carry on My friend. If you are ever here in New Orleans, you have a friend!!! Let me know, and I'll send you my information. Our marathons are great (ALL FLAT)!

etta said...

@ Katheryne: Thanks for the offer. I've never been to New Orleans, but it's on my list. BTW: I appreciated your rambling! I'm so glad you find my blog helpful. And thanks for your vote! My mom couldn't get it to work on her phone. She had to use her laptop to vote.

Camille said...

Hi Etta! Glad you are doing well lately.I admire your ability to take care of yourself, even if it may not be what you really want. I too suffer from depression and I'm a PT student. I had two full time clinicals so far, and both were exhausting! I'm not sure if I'll be able to work full time, but I also want to pay off my loans. Also, would you mind sharing how you are able to work part time and receive benefits like health care. (obviously much needed with depression!) That is my biggest concern. Thank you, I love reading your blog!

etta said...

@ Camille: I pay out of pocket for my health insurance through the state and federal government. Very few companies offer health coverage for part-time employees these days, but some do. It's an important consideration when deciding on a job, for sure. Good luck!