Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

just words

hopeless.
that's too easy.

purposeless
pointless
meaningless and
futile.
maybe better descriptors.
maybe.

despairing
dispirited
demoralized and
disconsolate.

heavy
mechanical and
burdened.

just words
lots of words,
but none worthy
of the experience.

depression.
it's more than words.

words don't work.
i wish they did.

depression.
so cliche,
but if you've not been
you cannot know.

7 comments:

Kai said...

Don't give up, you know it's just a temporary hole in the road. Luckily you have documented this over and over again, so there is proof for that!

The Real McCoy said...

I hope you have a speedy recovery. You're in my thoughts.

Julie Gathman said...

You're going to pull out of this! It's all about ups and downs. Keep writing, please. Many, many people appreciate your blog entries, whether you are on an extended up, a down, or wherever you are. I suspect this blog means a great deal to some people. Not all of them will comment, it's not their thing. But they will read, and they are with you on your journey. Isn't writing amazing? Your very life can immerse itself into someone else's heart and mind with your words, and they into yours.

Julie Gathman said...

You say we cannot know, and that is true -- we cannot know completely. But we can know a little more about it by your writing. I even felt I learned more just from this poem, not to mention all your other entries. It reminds of my friend Cheri. Her 25-year-old son went missing and then was found dead. Her grief was bottomless, unfathomable, and unknowable to others. But the year I walked through it with her, and especially the many, many articles she gathered about losing a child--that I read over the course of a year, DID help me understand more about the terrain of deep grief. It was peoples' writings that helped the most. She would find written things, post them on her facebook, and we would discuss them. Also, a book we read together (title was Rare Bird by Donaldson) about another mother who lost her son, helped me understand. Written words can sometimes capture the essence of something better than talking. But yes, you are right, all words, all art, are only pointers.

etta said...

@ Julie: Thank you so much for your kind, insightful, and beautifully written words. Your comments make a difference! I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts with me.

Katheryne Patterson said...

I know that it does not seem that this will end. It will end, and you will feel better. Keep fighting it.

Linda said...

I have struggled with depression for decades now (I am 60) and trust me, I totally comprehend what you are talking about. Last year I had the deepest and longest depression I had ever experienced in my life...to the point that I lost interest in everything. Yes, including eating. Even foods that I like. Thankfully, though, I stuck with it, took walks, snuggled with my cat, talked to my doctor, talked to friends and finally when I could get no lower I slowly pulled out of it. Please take care of yourself, and talking about it is good.



.