Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Tired of talking

I don't want to talk about it anymore. Talking is becoming more harmful than good.

I sent a note to my psychiatrist yesterday, a note which included the deplorable thoughts running through my fucked up brain. It scared her. And now I feel bad. I didn't mean to scare her. That was not at all my intent! But I guess my thoughts are scary. I guess living with these deplorable thoughts desensitizes me to how despicable and abnormal they actually are. Rereading what I wrote today, it makes sense to me that she may have been alarmed, but I didn't mean to alarm her. I am not a fan of crying wolf. That's not my style. I was just trying to get the thoughts out of my head. She's read and heard many of my violent, deplorable thoughts before. I'm embarrassed to say it never crossed my mind these particular thoughts would alarm her so. But they did. And now I feel so bad. So sorry. And so worried I will lose this safe haven for my monstrous thoughts. Monstrous thoughts in my head are infinitely more powerful than monstrous thoughts written and read.

Phone calls and text messages this morning are annoying me. Am I okay? No. I'm not. But I don't want to talk about it anymore. I don't want to scare you, alarm you, or force you to run the other way. I don't want the police summoned. I don't need an ambulance. I need something, yes, but I don't want any of it right now. I want to scream, "Leave me alone!" But I also know alone is no good either. Now I'm afraid. But I'm less afraid of the thoughts with which my brain is bombarding me than I am of communicating those thoughts aloud to you.

Where does that leave me?
Annoyed. Scared. And tired of talking. That's where.


Tom said...

Wow. Really not sure what to say although it presumptuous of me to assume you want feedback. Based on our weather in Mpls I'm guessing it's nice in Rochester right now as well. Have you gotten outside for a run? And what's the story behind the giraffe picture in your videos? You're not one of those exotic animal keepers are you? :)

Wendy Love said...

I know how you feel! Been there.... It is so hard after a season of feeling good to feel down again. It is only natural when you are feeling good to hope that 'maybe this is it! maybe I am all better now'.
And then boom, there you are again, with the thoughts, thoughts which you had forgotten you ever had before. Thoughts so awful that you can't imagine how you've been there before and ever gotten through! But you did....
You got through before and you will get through again.
Good you contacted your psychiatrist. Good you're getting the thoughts out of your head and onto your psychiatrist, out of your head and onto your blog.
If those nasty thoughts don't let up, get help, get help, get help.
Still praying for you!

Diane Williams said...

I have dark, intrusive thoughts too. I am on medication, see a good therapist, am 16 years sober and try to take care of myself but they still pop up sometimes. The cognitive therapy thought changing techniques help sometimes too. I'm rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I, too, am not sure what to say or even if you want to hear anything from me.

I can say that after EVERY session with my therapist I feel worse about myself than before. I go in thinking I'm going to get a bunch of stuff off my chest and maybe make some discovery or a step to improvement, but then I just talk and talk and feel worse. I guess because it validates that I do have a serious problem.

Grace Wisdom said...

Etta I'm praying for you. I know it doesn't seem like it but this WIll end. Have someone be with you. That is what my mom does when she feels that bad. I know you don't want to but your brain is telling you the opposite of what you should do.