Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Pain

Despite returning to work for two short days, and despite getting back on the road to run a couple of times, I'm struggling. I'm having a really difficult time accepting just how low I'm feeling. I am so, so low, I hurt. I physically hurt. I woke up twice last night in physical pain, but there's nothing physically wrong with me right now. I'm just that low. My depression is now manifesting itself in physical pain. I can hardly stand it.

The physical pain is new. I don't recall my depression ever manifesting that way before. I'm tearful, too. Tears, also, are not my normal. But I've been having a difficult time holding them back lately. I'm crying a lot. This episode does not seem to be letting up at all. I'm not sure what else I can do. And doing anything is getting more and more difficult as my energy and motivation are in the toilet. I'm feeling crushed and overwhelmed.

I did make one decision this morning. I called my mother. She lives in another state. I asked her to come visit, to stay with me for awhile. I'm sure she was shocked I asked. She knows things must be pretty rough if I'm to the point of asking her for help. She agreed to come. She's going to arrive tomorrow night and stay for two weeks. She'll probably drive me nuts at some point, but I'm going to be my most patient self because I do need the help. I'm relieved she's coming.

I'm most relieved because I think her being here will take some pressure off my friends. I'm feeling really guilty. I'm worried my friends are getting worn out and I'm becoming a burden. I don't want to be a burden. I like my friendships to be equal parts give and take, but I'm worried I don't have a lot to give right now. I find myself pulling back from friends more and more, which is exactly the opposite of what I need, but like I said, I don't want to be a burdensome friend. It's yet one more difficulty of having such a low mood.

Depression sucks. I'm tired and worn out. I'm tearful and in pain. Basic, everyday functioning is slow and difficult. I'm running out of ideas. I don't know what else to do. This illness is pulling me toward stopping and giving up. It's kicking me when I'm down, and there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it. I'm getting kicked. Thoughts and prayers greatly appreciated.

5 comments:

Wendy Love said...

Oh my goodness, I recognize those symptoms. Tears and physical pain, been there. And then getting depressed about being depressed happens to me all the time! Maybe this time is going to take a little longer to bounce back.
Good you called your mother. I will pray that she is some comfort and help to you.
Continuing to pray.

Olga Solis said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I lost my 44 year old son on November 30, 2014. He battled kidney cancer stage 4. My family and I cared for him for 4 months in our home. It was devastating to see Guy so weak,as he use to be a once healthy person. He was also a formal boxer. He left us a 21 year old grandson and we are so proud of him. He will be graduating from IU in May. Guy was very open about the disease. His many friends and family followed him on his journey on Facebook. After a few months after my son's death, I went to see a therapist. I was having a hard time coping with the loss of my son. After my visits I was ok and got on with this so-called new life. I've realized that my life will never be the same, but that I have to continue with life. My son would want that. After a few months after his death I had a visitation dream from my son. To make a long story short he said to me, I'm alright mom. Made me feel so good, but I still miss him so much. It's been over two years and I still cry for him. You see I am living with pain every day. I try to make the best of every day because I know Guy would want me too. I'm glad you called your mom. My mom lives with me and my husband. I'm grateful she is still here with us. You can do this. I will pray for you.

Jason Perkins said...

Etta,
I have only begun to read into your blog the past few days and I very much appreciate your candor and honesty. I have battled bipolar depression about half of my life. I am 34 now. I have been in and out of the hospital several times, been through the litany of medications, and been treated with ECT. I can truly say that ECT saved my life. It didn't take away the disease, but it helped. And I truly hope it helps you. Everyone is different, but for me the ECT has changed my sense of what is worthy of tears. If that makes sense (it's much easier for me to cry now). It may be the crushing depression or maybe how your brain is re-configuring after the treatments. I've been where you are, with the pain and feeling as a burden to others. Just asking for help can feel like defeat, but it isn't. It is showing that you have the strength to want to be. I can't say that because I've been through it that makes it easier, or we are better for it, or any cliche we've heard before. But I can say that we are still here and that my heart goes out for you. I tear up just reading this post because I can feel my memories and my hope is that you do not have to endure this much longer.
If you need someone to empathize with, I am always open.
~Jason

Susan Weller said...

I am so sorry you are so low. I turn to this blog when I need the honest truth about depression, so I can acknowledge it in myself, and you constantly help me with that. So glad your Mom is coming. Prayers.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time, Etta. Just wanted to let you know how much you have helped me and I imagine so many other people. I read your blog every day while I went through a severe depressive episode three years ago. I admire your courage and willingness to share your experience and I know you will pull through this. Hope tomorrow is a little better.



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