Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, March 6, 2017

still so low

It's hard to imagine feeling much lower than I do right now. I just survived the longest weekend I've endured in quite some time, and today didn't get much better. I don't know how otherwise to explain it. I'm just low. I'm tearful, tired, and unmotivated. I can't shake my lethargy and gloom.

I'm not sure being cooped up in the hospital is helping, as I think I'd at least be able to get out for a short walk if I was home. But all my friends and my doctor think the hospital is where I need to be right now. They're probably right. I don't like it, but it's safe.

I tried biking gently last night, but I only survived 15 minutes. My energy is as low as my mood. I began a new medication last night which is intended to augment the ECT. I hope it works. I'm not sure how much deeper I can sink. I'm getting nervous.

I'm getting anxious about how long this depression relapse is going to last. I'm worried about my job, especially. I don't know that my current position is at all guaranteed. Being a non-benefited employee, I don't believe my employer is under any obligation to hold my position. I know they are scrambling to find someone to fulfill my duties. Hopefully, I'll have a job to return to when I start feeling better.

I feel awful about leaving my coworkers short-handed and scrambling. I work in rural communities, and it's difficult to find coverage. I called my boss to check in today, but she wasn't available, and she never returned my call. I'm not sure that's a good sign!

Of course, everyday I miss work is another day of missed earnings. That's beginning to get more and more stressful, too. I'm really not sure how I'm going to pay my bills. I had hoped to be feeling better and back to earning a living by now. Instead, it looks like it will be quite some time before I collect another paycheck.

And there you have it... my many tales of woe. This is a tough one. I pray something changes soon. I would give my right arm to feel just a tiny bit of improvement. I appreciate your prayers and words of encouragement. I'll keep putting one foot in front of the other as best I can.


Wendy Love said...

Continuing to pray. You and your friends are probably right, hospital is a safe place for now.

Anonymous said...

I am not a runner. I am not built for the job. I don't have the experience, and I mostly doubt my will. And I come with many deficits to the endeavor. Yet I still continue to put one foot in front of the other as I run and run and run. I'm not fast and I'm not graceful. But I strive.

I suspect that you have an inner understanding/drive that will get you beyond this current relapse. I suspect you are more than what you seem to be in the current moment. I suspect that you will find your true self waiting for you when you are free of this darkness.

I have depression, but I have nothing that compares to what you must endure. I have read your blog for a long time and I've seen you overcome and beat into submission this monster we share. I have no doubt that you will do it again.

Besides, I want to meet you at some run some day, so you have to keep going!


One of your great (and envious) admirers

etta said...

Thank you Wendy Love and paullamb. Your comments mean so much to me right now. I am incredibly grateful for your kind words and support. And, yes, paullamb! We'll have to catch up with one another at a race someday!

Drew said...

I too and a runner, although I tell everyone I'm not a "real" runner lol, and I've had anxiety my whole life. I am so sorry you are having such a crummy day. I wrote a book called Anxiety Makes Me Anxious. It has helped people have a good laugh and give them at least a brief repreival from their issues. I would LOVE to send you a free copy, either the kindle version or the print or both. I think it would brighten you a bit and I would be honored to have such an outspoken mental health advocate read it. No obligation btw, I'm not looking for anything in return. I know you said you don't like comments with links, so if you search my book in Amazon you'll see that it's legit. You can email me at if you want to take me up on my offer. Best of luck and hang in there!

Shayna (I'm on my husband Drew's account)

Eva said...

I feel angry and sad right now. And powerless. This ugly disease takes so much from us. I wish I could do something for you. It is so not fair that besides dealing with the depression you have to worry about your job and money too.
At the same time It makes me realize how lucky I am. Our stories are very similar. I've been depressed for 17 years. Have had just about any treatment and medication that is around including ECT's. But I live in the Netherlands. And that means I don't have to worry about money because of the different way our countries treat people that get a disease. It's just not fair.
I think about you every day and sending you healing thoughts. Hang in there. And I'm with paullamb (I wish I was as good with words as you are paullamb!) You can beat this monster again. Just like I have.


Katy said...

Hang in there! You will get better. Also, you have to come run in New Orleans. It is completely flat here. We have some great races!

Julie Gathman said...

Hang on there, Etta. There are people out here who are with you in their thoughts. And I agree, Paul Lamb's writing was super great (his comment above). This episode will subside!