Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, July 27, 2017

F-You Depression

This is one of those posts I hate to write. For better or worse, I pride myself on being a fighter, maybe even a role model, for someone out there battling this fucking illness. But I haven't been fighting lately. Despite my recent vow to battle, I have fallen far short. For the last several days, the battle has been taken to me rather than the other way around. And I'm losing, big time.

Despite knowing better, I've spent the better part of recent days isolating myself, sleeping whenever I could for as long as I could, eating junk, and stomping around my house in anger. This is not typical of me, and it's concerning, yet I don't care! Anger is the rule of the day.

I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to do anything. And I certainly don't want anyone pointing out what I should be doing. I know what I should be doing, but I'm not. Or more accurately, I know what I should be doing, and I'm not.

Maybe I'm tired of doing what I should be doing yet still feeling smothered by depression's life-sucking force. Maybe I'm giving depression a big, fat middle finger. Maybe that's what this is, "Fuck you, depression!" I'm tired of behaving perfectly for your sake.

Maybe I just want to be normal for awhile. And I'm fairly certain normal people don't always eat perfectly, exercise regularly, sleep on schedule, and feel honky dory! I bet normal people even shut off their phones once in awhile, and when they do, it isn't a symptom! I'm tired of symptoms.

That's the problem. Symptoms. This illness requires vigilance to keep my symptoms at bay. I don't necessarily have the luxury of the "normal behavior" of my friends. And that makes me angry. I want that luxury, too. I don't want to have to care about life's every detail. But depression demands I care. It demands I care. And I hate it for that.


The Real McCoy said...

I completely sympathize. I hate depression--and get angry at it--for all the same reasons. And I especially hate knowing (or worse, being told) that there are all these things I SHOULD be doing, and just don't want to! Have you ever heard of the term "demand resistance"? It's basically a very strong resistance to actual or perceived demands, whether those demands come from yourself or someone else. It's something I really struggle with. Wishing you the best, and that you feel more like fighting soon.

Anonymous said...

Don't get it. Why compare to 'normal'? Depression is an illness. We do what we can to stay healthy.

Wendy Love said...

I totally get how you are feeling. Praying that you can gain some fresh perspective and new hope and courage to keep battling and not give up.

Katheryne Patterson said...

Well said. Everything is well said. It does absolutely suck. It's like having cancer. Eating right, exercising, taking your meds, etc., etc. helps, but it is ALWAYS there.

I know that. And it absolutely sucks. I know you will begin doing all of that good stuff to the best of your ability when you are ready. It is ok to take a Fuck You day! I'm sure people with cancer or HIV or MS or ALS or other diseases do the same fucking thing.

Much love, Katy