Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

A Patient Again

I'm back in the hospital. The plan is to stay here and stabilize, get some of my intrusive thoughts settled, and then go home before I start Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) treatments early next week. I hate being locked up in here again, especially so soon after my last significant depression episode. Intellectually I know I'd be doing well if not for my back injury, surgery, and recovery limitations. But that doesn't seem to help me feel less disappointed to require hospitalization again. Fortunately I have very smart friends to remind me I'm sick. This is an illness, and sometimes I need more intensive help. As she drove me to the front door, my friend Heidi reminded me, if I had a cancer relapse I'd go to the hospital without question or fight. She's right. I need to quit fighting the cure and fight the illness instead. I guess this is my time to do just that.


Truth Needed 9 said...

What do you find helps you the most when you are in hospital? What needs to be done to stabilize you?
I am terrified of hospitals since I was given ECT and ended up with cognitive dysfunction and severe memory loss from the past and an inability to make memories now. It is so strange that different people experience the hospital as a place of help or safety and safety and others as a place of trauma and fear....
I hope your TMS works well for you.

Wendy Love said...

oops, not sure if my comment got deleted or it I sent it before I finished but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you are back in hospital but how happy I am that you are seeking further treatment instead of just being home alone with your thoughts.
You have been through so much on top of depression, it was bound to play havoc with your already vulnerable state.
I thought it was interesting what your friend said about 'quit fighting the cure and fight the illness instead', very interesting, think I will have to keep that in mind too.
I continue to pray for you.

etta said...

@ Truth: I am fortunate to have a very good psych unit available to me. I am a voluntary patient. I am treated with respect. And the nurses here are some of the most educated and compassionate people you will ever find. This is a calming, safe, stabilizing place.

Anonymous said...

You are very fortunate to have good care available to you whenever you need it. A lot of people in similar situations do not have that option.

etta said...

@ Anonymous: While I do have access to great, compassionate care, it is unfortunately not available "whenever needed," due to the nationwide shortage of mental health beds. This unit was full for several days, perhaps weeks, before I was lucky enough to get an open bed. We are in desperate need of more mental health beds in this country.

Anonymous said...

You picked great friends. Take care.