Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Hope...or not

Sometimes I have difficulty writing here. I want so badly to be a voice of hope for all of us who struggle with this damn illness, severe and persistent depression. But sometimes my hope is limited. And sometimes it's nonexistent. Well, we're approaching nonexistence, my friends. Life, right now, is hard.

My mood has continued to decline since I left the hospital 8 days ago. It's getting quite painful, devastatingly painful. The financial stress of my back injury/surgery/recovery is mounting, which has certainly not helped my mood. But my mood... My mood is so low. I'm really struggling.

I'm tearful and slow and hurting. Thoughts of suicide (which I rarely write about here) are ever present. No, I don't think it's a good solution, but the thoughts are relentless, nonetheless. The thoughts don't help my mood either. I'm not finding much to help my mood right now.

Despite the pain, I'm doing what I can. I'm still walking, riding, and doing my exercises. I've kept up with my household chores for the most part. I even worked for just over an hour yesterday. That's not going to pay my mortgage, but it was better than nothing, and it got me out of my house. I'm going to my TMS appointments. Trying to hold onto the slimmest of hope that TMS will work its magic again. But when? When?!! Soon, I hope. I hope...

6 comments:

Rachael Wood said...

One day at a time Etta. You've made it through today. I know suicide can sometimes seem like a viable option. Keep trying to get to the next day, you're not alone xxxx

Truth Needed 9 said...

Etta, what you have endured is just beyond anything anyone should experience. Depression and mental illness are the most evil and terrifying illnesses there are. It is awful bc people with physical illnesses, even cancer, can find joy in their hours, find comfort in the support of their loved ones. With depression there is usually just hopelessness and terror. I hope that rTMS is helpful.

Anonymous said...

praying constantly for you. you do not have to feel guilty about not being a voice of hope- your honesty gives us all hope; I cannot thank you enough for that for this disease is isolating, stigmatized, and all encompassing. it is the disease that makes us guilty of everything and anything. Constant prayers. Please keep reaching out in any and all forms. I appreciate you so much!

Amy said...

Etta: Love is all around you.

Anonymous said...

Take it one hour at a time. That's what I have to tell myself. Just get through the next several hours. You inspire me with your physical activity and blogging. Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

Etta! I found your blog 3 days ago after having suffered from another serious depression hole. Also having just had back surgery and years of depression I understand the hopelessness but there is always, always a glimmer of hope. In the last few days you have given me pages of honesty and belief that we all can fight this step by step even through the endless setbacks and tiredness. Dust yourself off and try, try again!



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