Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, September 1, 2017

Hospital again

I saw my therapist yesterday. When she offered to drive me directly to the hospital, herself, I knew she meant business. But that's what I needed. Depression had muddled my thinking so completely, there was no way I could have, or would have, made such a decision on my own. And my thoughts were as dark as they'd ever been, so she was right to be concerned. I guess I was concerned on some intellectual level, but mostly I didn't care. I couldn't muster the energy to care what was happening to me anymore, and my thinking was leading me down a very dark road with a very abrupt end. As much as I hate it, I guess I need to be here right now.

Unfortunately, TMS is an outpatient procedure, so I'm unable to continue my TMS treatments while hospitalized. But all is not lost. There is a potential light at the end of the tunnel. Mayo Clinic is in the midst of a research study involving Ketamine. The inpatient doctor recommended it, and I qualified to participate. I signed the consent forms today. I will be getting Ketamine infusions, up to seven of them if the results warrant, beginning next week.

I do have a little hope the Ketamine will work. From what I've read, previous small studies have been promising. And if it works, it's supposed to take effect quickly. That would be a great result! I hope I am one of the people who responds well to it. Any relief will be greatly appreciated at this point.

Unfortunately, it looks like I'm going to be here awhile. I already desperately miss Jet and being able to go outside. Of course, I'd much rather be home, but home probably isn't the safest option right now. I'm not looking forward to being an inpatient for the long, holiday weekend ahead. Bad timing. I have to wait until Tuesday to begin the Ketamine treatment. I'll let you know how it goes.


Truth Needed 9 said...

I am sorry you are feeling so ill. It seems absolutely stupid not to have TMS available for sick people in the hospital. How hard would it be to set aside a room and equipment?? Ridiculous.
I hope that the ketamine goes well. Did the doctor consider ECT again or was it not deemed as likely to help?

Anonymous said...

Good luck with the ketamine. I tried to get into that trial a couple of years ago and didn't qualify for some reason.

I'm glad you're getting the care you need, but I wish you hadn't had this setback. I understand the part about not caring. That's a dangerous state to be in for people like us.

Jules said...

I have researched this new treatment and it sounds very encouraging. And it works quickly which is the best part about it. Just hang in there Etta. There's definitely hope on the horizon.

Wendy Love said...

Hello Etta,
So sorry this episode is dragging on and getting darker instead of lighter.
So glad you are in a safe place for now.
Encouraging to hear that the Mayo Clinic option might work for you, something to give you hope.
If it is any encouragement, I have never come through any episode without some kind of learning curve, small or large, or some kind of new contact, or something good. That is in hindsight of course. At the time it is nothing but darkness and I understand.
And from reading your blog over the years I think you have had that same experience, gleaning something good from each bad episode.
In the meantime, rest in a safe place. I will continue to pray.

etta said...

@ Truth: The TMS suite is actually right across the hall from the inpatient unit. I believe the outpatient-only-rule is insurance driven. Still ridiculous. ECT is no longer an option for me, as it didn't work the last two times we tried it, including just this past February. I'm hoping the Ketamine is as quick and effective as some studies indicate.