Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

No miracle yet

I began participation in the clinical drug trial today. I had my first Ketamine infusion. It took almost 3 hours by the time all was said and done, and I was exhausted afterward. Fortunately, I had very few side effects during the infusion. I got a little spacey feeling, my blood pressure went up a bit, and my lips went numb. All are normal side effects. It could have been much worse. Nausea and even hallucinations are two of the other of a myriad of possibilities. I am grateful I tolerated it with such ho-hum effects, but unfortunately, I didn't have any big, miraculous shifts in my mood either.

I did feel mildly more relaxed and slightly less hopeless immediately following the infusion, but within 90 minutes the tears, hopelessness, and intrusive suicidal thoughts had reemerged. I'm doing my best not to panic, but I am feeling discouraged. That's the unfortunate price of hope.

The study coordinators still believe I am an ideal candidate for a favorable result, and they warned me I may not get relief until after the second or even the third infusion. The second infusion will be done on Thursday. The third is scheduled for next Monday, hopefully as an outpatient. If my symptoms do remit, I will then have one infusion per week for the following four weeks. I do hope I qualify for those four follow-up infusions.

Hope is still difficult though. And scary. I don't want to be disappointed again. I want relief.

I want relief from this illness. I want my life back. I want to return to me. At this point working, running, and living functionally and independently in my home seem a long way away. I want to get back to living with rather than suffering from depression. Suffering is just too painful. If you pray, please keep 'em coming, my friends.


Anonymous said...

I'm hoping you get relief. You certainly seem lucid, so I guess the hallucination side effect won't visit you.

Did they say what phase the study is?

The Real McCoy said...

I am wishing you all the best. I've also been going through a very rough time lately (though clearly nowhere near as rough as you), so I definitely sympathize. I hope the ketamine does the trick, and quickly. No one deserves to feel so low.

PT friend said...

Hey Etta! I finally received the info for your blog. I guess I knew you were struggling just from hear say, but reading your posts was heart wrenching. I guess it is true when people say, "You never truly know what someone is going through." I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. I hope & pray that you will find relief soon & can get back to enjoying life! Please remember there are many people pulling for you!

Jean Grey said...

I hope the ketamine works for you. It is something that I have been wondering about for myself, but haven't pursued. I have heard a lot of really good things about it.