Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 18 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, January 28, 2018

Tired of Tired

I ran this morning. It was the first time I'd exercised in 3 days. I went back to bed after my run. It was 10:00 in the morning. Two days ago I fell asleep after work and went to bed at 7:30 PM. Last night I fell asleep after work and went to bed at 8:00 PM. I've been tired. I hate feeling so tired.

Despite having a wonderful weekend away with my friends last weekend, the fatigue I was beginning to feel prior to that weekend escalated over this past week. We had a major snowstorm on Monday, so I wasn't able to get to work. That meant, after shoveling out for two hours, I had to work Tuesday through Saturday. We've been very busy at work, so I had some long days in there, too. The week concluded with a very chaotic, short-staffed, long work day yesterday. It's no wonder I fell asleep shortly after getting home.

Fatigue, as I've noted here before, is one of the long standing, persistent symptoms of my depression. I never seem to be rid of it. Even when my mood is good, the fatigue persists. I'm less fatigued when my mood is good, but it never goes away. For that reason I don't tolerate successive long days of work like I used to prior to depression. And this was a long week.

I hate fatigue. It is a constant reminder of my illness, and it interferes with my life. Missing 2+ days of exercise when I'm battling to get back into shape really hurts. I know, I know. It's not the end of the world. I'm just frustrated. I don't like it when depression symptoms interfere with my goals, especially when I otherwise feel well.

Perhaps, once again, I need to work on acceptance. Accepting that I'm not able to do things like I used to prior to depression, like work 5 successive days without bonking, would probably help me feel less frustrated. Instead I feel like I'm banging my head against a wall. The wall survives, but my head hurts.

I guess fatigue is tough for me to accept. I'm tired of feeling tired. I want to feel "normal." I hope the extra sleep I allowed myself this morning will kick start my energy once again. This week is going to be another busy one at work, and I'd like to handle it better this week than I did last. I'll keep working on that acceptance thing, too.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

One of the lasting side effects of my most recent drug (desvenlafaxine) was constant sleepiness. I could literally put my head on a pillow any time, anywhere and fall asleep. I stopped the drug a month ago, and I'm not as sleepy, but I still take a lot of naps, and I attribute it to the depression itself. So then I lose a couple hours to sleep when I should have been doing something else (like, you know, living a life) and I feel bad about that, and the cycle continues.

As always, I wish I could take some of your burden off of your shoulders . . .

Eva said...

I have had this for most of the time since I started taking meds for my depression. When I stopped taking my last SSRI and started on Wellbutrin it made such a difference. I still need more sleep at night then most people and when I have a busy day I'm really tired at the end. But I no longer take naps during the day.

I still wish I had more energy however. When I look at other people I can't even imagine how they do all the things they do. I'm not always tired but not exactly full of energy either.

And there is the acceptance thing. My friend has had leukemia and ever since she had treatment she has the same thing. And for her it's also very hard to deal with the limitations she now has. I guess it's in our nature. Another friend of mine also has an illness that causes fatigue. She says it's no problem. She naps and makes sure she gets enough sleep during the night. She is better in accepting I guess.

I find it hard. Even though it has improved I still get annoyed with myself that I can't do what other people can. Like have a full-time job, a household and raise a couple of kids. I have to accept that my house doesn't always look perfect, that I actually need help with the housework. That I can't work like other people and I sometimes need to go to bed at the same time as my stepchildren. But even after dealing with this for 18 years it is still really hard. Pffff.

Katheryne Patterson said...

Really relate to this post. I also have a difficult time accepting so many things about my depression. I’m so angry at myself because I slept for 12 hours the past 2 nights. This actually makes me feel groggy all day. I hadn’t exercised in 2 days which made me crash mentally the moment I stopped working. I forced myself to run for 30 minutes. That helped. The fatigue and depression make me so angry. I hate accepting it honestly.

RecoverFromAnxiety said...

Nice post, acceptance is very important in coping with psychological issues.

Thanks



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