Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, February 25, 2018

Be patient

I'd need more than ten fingers to count the number of times I've been told to be patient over the past week. Which means I'd need more than ten fingers to count the number of times I've expressed concern that I'm not yet able to run on my recently operated knee, too. I tried again today. No dice. My knee hurt. I'm hoping my right knee is coming along, but if it is, it's doing so at a much slower pace than I would like. I'm concerned.

I was hoping to be running again, at least a little bit, by now. I'm not. I could force it. I could probably do it if I didn't mind some patellofemoral knee pain with every step, but that defeats the purpose of having the surgery in the first place. I'm trying to be smart. I'm trying to be patient. Unfortunately when it comes to running, patience is very tough for me.

With Spring approaching I'm anxious to get outside. It's been 9 months since I was able to run as I wished. The long recovery from back surgery, interrupted now by recovery from knee surgery, is really starting to wear on me. I don't like how I look. I've gained 10 pounds since my back injury. I don't like the way I feel. I'm restless and irritable and lazy and slow. I want to run again!

Despite not being able to run or exercise as I wish, my mood is okay. Work has been very busy. I worked 36 hours last week. That's monumental for me. I'm actually surprised I've been able to handle the increased load as well as I have. Perhaps focusing on my trip to Nepal this Fall, for which I need to save more money, has helped me cope. Knowing the extra money I'm earning will be going toward a bucket list trip probably does help. (Have I mentioned Nepal yet? More on that in another post.)

So that's where I'm at today. I apologize for the long span between posts. All the extra work hours left me dead tired at home each night. I had to fight to stay awake until 8:00! I'm getting old, I guess. If my knee didn't hurt, though, I'd like to think I could have found the energy to run. Moot point. It did, so I didn't. Perhaps this week will bring improvement, and I'll be running again soon. I hope so. I don't like living without running as an option.

I know. I know. Be patient, etta. Be patient.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Ms. Etta:

I feel so trapped by this...depression. Allow me to explain. I am in the military and own a long gun for nothing more the protection of loved ones. At this time the long gun is in a locked case in a friends gun safe. I say all of this because I continue to serve and wish not to loss my liberties that I have sacrificed to defend for others. In my military perfession my ability to perform basic functions have been stripped from me for example qualifying on weapons systems, using basic protective gear like a helmet or bullet proof vest. I understand The Military is doing what they believe to be in mine and best interest of all concerned. The thing is I never attempted any action to end my life that included a gun!

I've spent time in a in patient psyc ward and never wish to repeat that experience.

I have a family and "friends" that I love dearly. I am in counseling and am taking enough mess to kill a medium sized dinosaur. That being said I really don't have anyone I can confide in that won't loss there shit if I tell them the things if think and feel due to the " duty to report" rule. And if someone reports the words I say hello inpatient and goodbye liberties even though I follow the. Law.